It is hard to believe that on this date five years ago, I received a telephone call that would forever change my life. If you would have asked me five years ago if we would be celebrating five years with Wayne, I would have told you most likely not. You see, in case you are new to this blog, Wayne was diagnosed in February 11, 2015 with a brain tumor. We later discovered that it was glioblastoma (GBM), the most aggressive type of brain cancer. The normal life expectancy for this kind of cancer is 12-18 months. We have so many friends that we know and love who have lost their loved ones to this awful cancer. It is a daily struggle with trusting God with our future.
I have experienced such an array of emotions the past few weeks leading up to this moment: joy, relief, excitement, love for Wayne, thankfulness, sadness, grief, and guilt. The last three emotions have really dragged me down the past week. I have seen many friends on Facebook lose their husbands and fathers to their children. I have a few more friends whose husbands are on hospice. My mind often struggles with "why". Why have we made it five years? Why is Wayne still here and others have been taken home? On one hand, I prayed for this miracle, so I shouldn't be surprised that the same God who parted the Red Sea, healed the lame and blind, and rose from the dead, could heal my husband. And yet, my mind can't help but think about so many other godly women who have prayed the same prayer for their husbands. I start to question why God didn't answer their prayers. Here is where the emotions of sadness and guilt start to settle. It's hard to celebrate when others have lost what you fear most...losing your husband to this dreadful cancer.
How do you juggle trusting God, while at the same time realizing that the next scan could change our story again? I don't know how to explain this paradox in which I live. Others try to understand, but until you walk this path, it is hard to truly understand and get it. On the other hand, it's hard to share with the ones who understand because most of them would love to have their husbands back, would love to have five years, or are in much worse places than us. So what am I to do? What am I to do with all of these emotions and thoughts?
I do not have the answers, only that God is sovereign and He has kept Wayne here for some reason. Our job is to daily live our lives to the fullest serving God and bringing Him glory! We leave the future in God's hands and rest in the assurance that He has a perfect plan for our lives, even if we don't understand how He always works or why He does things. That is where faith comes in...will we trust or will we worry? I can tell you from experience that there is so much more peace in the place of trust than in the place of worry.
All of us face this daily challenge - will we trust God or worry? It may be about your job or it may be the fear of some unknown virus, like what is going on in China. We can either sit and fret about the future, or we can rest in knowing that God is in control. So for today, we will choose to trust God and enjoy the blessings that God has given us. Let's celebrate 5 years of God's healing!!
In these 5 years we have managed to make many memories with the kids, celebrated our 20th (and now 21st) anniversary, we added two more kids to our family (another crazy God story), moved closer to family, celebrated five more birthdays with Wayne, taken many photos as a family to treasure, and taken numerous memorable trips (East Coast and West Coast - Wayne has now been to 46 states).
Wayne after his biopsy
Wayne after his brain surgery
Wayne at rehab working on re-learning how to walk and talk
Wayne's bald head from radiation side effects
Wayne's MRI which shows how much of his brain is missing after surgery
Making memories together as a couple (21 years and counting)
Making memories together as a family
In April, we will be taking a trip with Inheritance of Hope. This amazing organization sponsors families with parents who have a terminal illness and helps them make memories with their children. They also help the parents create legacy videos, take family photos, and offer support groups for the kids to learn how to express their emotions and feelings about all that they are going through. We can't wait to spend some intentional days away with our kids to make lifetime memories with them.
As a way of paying it forward and marking Wayne's 5 year anniversary, I am running a half marathon in New Mexico in April. I am trying to raise money to help other families like ours attend a future retreat. If you would like to help, please pray about sponsoring my run!
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