Update 12/18/25: Tear Soup

Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.”

We started this blog over ten years ago to document our journey with brain cancer so our kids could see how God was faithful to us. That being said, it has also become an outlet for me to process and journal. I guess over the years we decided to allow the rest of you a glimpse into our world to point you to Jesus…some to have a closer walk with Him and others discover a relationship with Him. All that to say, we have always tried to be transparent. I believe our posts in the near future will be even more raw and real. Not to try to garner pity, but to show that there can be joy in the sorrow.

A few weeks ago my counselor lent me a book called Tear Soup. The main message I pulled from the book that has been so helpful the last 24 hours is “Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…grief is the price we pay for love.” When I texted my counselor how hard all of this was, she replied with this: “I’ve heard it said that the amount of love you have matches the pain. You love him so much.”

I knew losing someone was painful, but I didn’t know how much. I was 9 when I lost my Opa, who I was very close to. That hurt, but I was shielded from the dark/hard side of death. My Oma died a few weeks before Joella was born, but I was clear across the country and the distance helped with that. We’ve been to funerals of friends that I was sad to lose, but this one hits so much harder.

Last night, I woke up multiple times crying in my sleep. It probably didn’t help that I had piano hymn music quietly playing all night, so subconsciously I was hearing deep theological lyrics that made me think of heaven and Wayne. I have cried more in the last 24 hours then ever before in my life. I think I’m making enough tear soup to feed the world. 

The hospice nurse told us that he will soon be sleeping and not wake up. This morning, I thought we had reached that point. I couldn’t get Wayne to wake up. It terrified me that we had already gotten there. I prayed that God would grant us a little more time and for me to hear him say he loved me one more time. Wayne eventually woke up and it has been a blessing to see his eyes and hear a few words from him, including I love you! It made my day to see him interact with the kids too. We even had some lighthearted moments of laughter along with the tears. 

Unfortunately, the nurse told us that we most likely don’t have much time left, maybe a week depending on how things progress. It’s such an emotional time with the holidays, and yet it also is such a beautiful reflection of the true meaning of Christmas…Jesus’ birth. Jesus came to this earth for the sole purpose of giving His life so that we could have life through Him. He gives us hope and joy in the middle of the hardest days of our life. We know when Wayne takes his last breath here on earth that he will instantly be in the presence of Jesus. Joella said she heard it this way from a movie, “It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you later.” Wayne is just going ahead of us and we will join him in heaven when God determines our days on earth are over. Wayne’s sermon below on Ecclesiastes is a great reminder in light of what is going on. 

Please keep praying for us. They are carrying us through some of the hardest days of our lives. ❤️

Update 12/16/25: Contemplations

Matthew 19:5-6 “and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and two shall become one flesh’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no person is to separate.”

I have been contemplating these verses today as Wayne has slept most of the day. I may ramble in this post as I process a lot of things. I feel like my brain hasn't been functioning very well the past two weeks. Sometimes the blog is just my way of processing, so you can ignore my babbling. 

Anyway, I have been contemplating the deep pain and loss/grief that I have been recently walking through. I thought of these verses and I have been wondering about somethings. Maybe part of the reason the pain and grief feels so deep is because part of me is dying. According to the verses, Wayne and I are one. So although it is not my body dying, part of me is dying because we are one. I read this on Google and I thought I was good. “Holistic unity: beyond sex, it means becoming one in spirit, emotion, finances, and life’s journey, functioning as a single entity. It’s a sacred, lifelong bond." 

A lifelong bond is what Wayne and I share. It's hard to imagine me without him since we have grown up together! Approximately 9,435 days ago, I walked into Santa Rosa Bible Church and saw Wayne. I had to drive my sister to a Bible conference at the church for her to get credit for her Bible class. I decided to stay. I quickly noticed a handsome man sitting a few rows ahead of me with his Bible open…and he sat alone. He was there every evening of the conference and he was actively engaged. I had been visiting churches looking for a college/young adult group. I decided after the Bible conference that I was going to attend this church. Wayne wasn’t the only reason I chose the church. I knew other people there too, but he was a huge draw.

What Wayne looked like when I met him. He fit in KY before we knew we would ever live here. He went pheasant hunting with friends.

If I could go back in time, I would tell my 19 year old self to make the same decision about Wayne. When I met Wayne, he was a little rough around the edges. He was kind of in your face and brutally honest about whatever thoughts he had-definitely no filter. I found it refreshing to meet someone real and transparent, but that wasn't everyone’s cup of tea. I look back and cannot believe that this introvert was so bold when it came to Wayne! 

Our friendship grew during our preparation for a mission trip to Mexico. It grew exponentially on the long bus ride. I actually asked Wayne to sit by me when we left for Mexico! I’m telling you, I never pursued a guy before. 🫣 I also asked him to help me with statistics homework and I would find excuses to “run” into him at Sonoma State. On our way home from Mexico, Wayne and I made a bet. I figured either way, I won…we would go out to eat. One way I’d have to pay for a meal and the other way he did, but to me it was a win-win situation. It was also on this trip that Wayne and I were able to talk about some trauma from my past and he gave me a huge, compassionate hug. He jokes that he knew he was in trouble when I hugged him tight. I tease him that I knew then that I was going to marry him.

My friend Jenn and I thought we could get Wayne with sheetrock mud...that didn't work out in our favor.

Our first “date” was to Round Table pizza in Rincon Valley. I believe it was in April, sometime after spring break. We would occasionally hang out and Wayne knew I liked him. He once told me (again being just blunt and honest), that I was not the type of girl you date. He paused a long time before adding, I’m the type of girl you marry. Thankfully, God changed Wayne’s plans and he stayed in school for a year more, which meant he was willing to date me. 

We started dating in May 1998, and by the middle July, we were engaged. We got married 6 months later (January 1999). I had just turned 20 and Wayne was as 22 when we were married. Wayne graduated a few months after we got married. 

I took a semester off of school while he finished, and then he went to work and I finished my bachelors degree. A few months before I finished school, Wayne came to me and told me he wanted to go to Bible college. He said he knew more about the IRS code being an accountant than the Bible. He wanted to be a good spiritual leader in our home, and I knew more about the Bible than he did. He also wanted to be able to teach Sunday School or be an elder one day in church (both of which he accomplished). 

So in August 2001, we packed a moving truck and moved across the country to Chicago. 

It was during our time in Chicago that we made lifelong friendships. Although I hated every winter (coming from California where winter meant 50s and rain), God used our time in Chicago in so many ways. Our time at Moody was such a blessing and we have friends from that time that are so special to us. Wayne and I developed many friendships from our years working as accountants. We also had great neighbors, some that are like family to us, and amazing church families that we couldn't live without. 

Over the last about 9,500 days, Wayne and I have grown up together and made so many memories. We started our beautiful family; traveled the country spending hours talking about everything from the Bible to silly things that don’t matter; served on mission trips together; moved across the country; hiked, biked, ran races; remodeled homes; completed home projects; date nights at home when we had a million young kids and no family around; took dancing lessons and stepped on each other’s toes; laughed, cried, made inside jokes no one else gets; late night conversations as we cuddled; camped; fought and made up; started learning Chinese together; chopped wood; raked leaves and jumped in them; homeschooled our kids; started, ran and sold a business; stargazing; dreaming together; lots of hugs and time together since our love languages were time and touch; dates with the kids; family game nights and movie nights on a sheet in the living room; and so many more things we’ve been able to celebrate over the years. Because God gave Wayne extra time, we got to see two daughters married and Wayne met our first granddaughter!! We’ve been gifted with time, something we will forever be grateful for. 10 extra years with Wayne, 10 years of more memories, 10 years to pour into our kids, 10 years to point others to Christ.

So although my heart and spirit feel the grief of losing my other half, I am choosing to focus on all the amazing things we’ve been able to do together, especially the last 10 years. I am also going to keep sharing Wayne’s sermons that he preached before his cancer. Hearing his voice and his passion for Jesus reminds me of all the wonderful years we have had together. His death will just be a temporary separation. One day we will look back and this momentary affliction will pale in comparison to eternity!

I’ve said it many times, if you do not have a relationship with Jesus (or know what that even means) or aren’t sure what happens after you die, email me at harderfamilyquestions@gmail.com. Also, if you have any special memories or things to share about Wayne with our kids, please email us at that email too. 

Please continue to pray for us as we navigate this difficult time. We had a wonderful visit with Wayne's parents, his brother, and his sister and her husband. Saying goodbye is never easy.

Update 12/7/25: Moment by Moment—>Hope Has a Name

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

1 Peter 1:3 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”

The mantra in our home the past few days is moment by moment. We are trying to squeeze every little pleasure out of our time left with Wayne. At times, there has been overwhelming grief. Then we find moments to laugh and just be intentionally present. 

Two things we want to pass on to you: 1) if you don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus, ask me all about Him and what He has done in our lives. That is the most important decision you will ever make in your life…and it’s life changing! 2)The importance of the gift of time with your family. Take time away from work, the busyness of life, put the phone down, and just be with your family and friends. None of us know what tomorrow holds. Take the photos, make the videos, share your dreams and hopes with one another…make the memories together!

Recently, we have been going through family photos from over the years and reliving memories. It’s fun to laugh and remember funny stories (even if they didn’t feel funny at the time). This is what is important in life…family. I had heard many times this saying, “You never hear someone in their death bed saying I wish I would have worked more or stayed busy. They usually say they wish they would have spent more time with their family.” Even though Wayne has spent hours with all of us, he still wishes he had more time to spend with us. What are you spending your time on?

Our friend from Moody, Matt Shada, preached a sermon today on Hope has a Name. I’m sure many pastors preached on Hope today since it is the first advent candle. But as I listened to his sermon this evening, what he said really struck me. “If we truly understand what Christmas is all about, then, regardless of our circumstances, we have something to celebrate and a reason to worship. If you know Jesus as your Savior, then you have hope! Hope is powerful, but so is hopelessness. Life is at its worst when you feel hopeless…hopelessness is not from God. Our hope, according to God’s Word is not in our education, our investments, our possessions, our status, or how we appear to people or the world, our health, our circumstances, our human strength, for sure not in politics..our hope has a name, and His name is Jesus! Our hope is in the person of Jesus Christ! Our hope is not an idea, a feeling or a season/future outcome, but it is a person…If your hope, your foundation, is built on anything else then Jesus, it will crack the moment life hits you upside the head. BUT, if the foundation of your hope is Jesus, nothing can shake your joy. That is the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness depends on happenings, joy depends on Jesus.” 

As we watch Wayne navigate processing his mortality, there is still joy there. His circumstances are terrible: can hardly walk, can’t sing at church, can’t really read, losing sensation in his body, etc. But in the midst of that, he is still present and worshiping God. We talk a lot about how awesome it will be for him to breathe his last here and wake up in heaven! The only thing that makes him sad is knowing that we will be here without him and he knows how painful that will be for us.

We had three hospice meetings last week: initial set up, social worker, and another nurse visit.

Picking up this package broke me. I feel like I’m living in a bad dream that I can’t wake up from. Hospice ordered this care kit for us. I just can’t wrap my head around what is happening. 

Since Wayne feels like he won’t be making it much longer, we celebrated our anniversary early. He took me to Carson’s so he could have nice steak dinner. It about wrecks me seeing how well he looks and yet knowing the tumor is destroying his brain. 

Grace and Davis came over this afternoon to visit before they leave on their honeymoon. 

This couple here has been a huge blessing to us, as many people have been. Rob helped get Wayne’s wheelchair ramp back on the van. I’m so thankful for a church family that is the hands and feet of Jesus to us!

Friday night we drove up to the Creation Museum for our annual Christmas lights visit. We went to Costco for dinner because who can beat $20 to feed a family? Shan cracks me up because he bought a hot dog on top of his piece of pizza and was eating both at the same time!

The newlyweds joined us! We rented Wayne a scooter so he could enjoy all the sights. 

Hot cocoa and lights go perfect together…especially when it was under 30!!

All bundled up! It was cold, so we had many layers on.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us as we navigate this time. Wayne’s family starts to arrive tomorrow to spend some time together. We will continue to make as many memories as we can for as long as we can.