Update 12/18/25: Tear Soup

Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.”

We started this blog over ten years ago to document our journey with brain cancer so our kids could see how God was faithful to us. That being said, it has also become an outlet for me to process and journal. I guess over the years we decided to allow the rest of you a glimpse into our world to point you to Jesus…some to have a closer walk with Him and others discover a relationship with Him. All that to say, we have always tried to be transparent. I believe our posts in the near future will be even more raw and real. Not to try to garner pity, but to show that there can be joy in the sorrow.

A few weeks ago my counselor lent me a book called Tear Soup. The main message I pulled from the book that has been so helpful the last 24 hours is “Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…grief is the price we pay for love.” When I texted my counselor how hard all of this was, she replied with this: “I’ve heard it said that the amount of love you have matches the pain. You love him so much.”

I knew losing someone was painful, but I didn’t know how much. I was 9 when I lost my Opa, who I was very close to. That hurt, but I was shielded from the dark/hard side of death. My Oma died a few weeks before Joella was born, but I was clear across the country and the distance helped with that. We’ve been to funerals of friends that I was sad to lose, but this one hits so much harder.

Last night, I woke up multiple times crying in my sleep. It probably didn’t help that I had piano hymn music quietly playing all night, so subconsciously I was hearing deep theological lyrics that made me think of heaven and Wayne. I have cried more in the last 24 hours then ever before in my life. I think I’m making enough tear soup to feed the world. 

The hospice nurse told us that he will soon be sleeping and not wake up. This morning, I thought we had reached that point. I couldn’t get Wayne to wake up. It terrified me that we had already gotten there. I prayed that God would grant us a little more time and for me to hear him say he loved me one more time. Wayne eventually woke up and it has been a blessing to see his eyes and hear a few words from him, including I love you! It made my day to see him interact with the kids too. We even had some lighthearted moments of laughter along with the tears. 

Unfortunately, the nurse told us that we most likely don’t have much time left, maybe a week depending on how things progress. It’s such an emotional time with the holidays, and yet it also is such a beautiful reflection of the true meaning of Christmas…Jesus’ birth. Jesus came to this earth for the sole purpose of giving His life so that we could have life through Him. He gives us hope and joy in the middle of the hardest days of our life. We know when Wayne takes his last breath here on earth that he will instantly be in the presence of Jesus. Joella said she heard it this way from a movie, “It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you later.” Wayne is just going ahead of us and we will join him in heaven when God determines our days on earth are over. Wayne’s sermon below on Ecclesiastes is a great reminder in light of what is going on. 

Please keep praying for us. They are carrying us through some of the hardest days of our lives. ❤️