Update 3/26/26: Dual Realities

Philippians 1:21-23 "For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and the living."

Life has been crazy and I realized it has been a month since I have updated the blog. Today marks three months since Wayne went home to be with Jesus. I have to be honest, the last week or so has been super hard. Although I know grief comes in waves, the waves this last week have been pretty intense. Our local hospice social worker sent me a letter and mentioned that the third month tends to be extra hard. I guess the busyness has slowed down and the numbness starts to fade, which means the reality of your loved one being gone truly hits. Grief is messy! We experienced that this week as a family...tears, anger, fears, screaming, and lots more tears. But in the middle of it, we learn more about each other and love each other more deeply. We discovered that we all grieve differently and that we cannot put our expectations of what grief should look like on others. 

We are all learning and growing through this whole experience. One thing that has been helping me is to daily journal and write three new things that I am thankful for from the day. When you have a heart of thankfulness, it helps your perspective. It doesn't change that some days I cry off and on all day, but I can still find joy in the middle of the sorrow. It's like living in a dual reality...trying to keep moving forward in life, while part of your heart is lost. 

Here is an update on what has happened the last month:

Moana is growing like a weed. She is now as big as Bo. 

Joella and Micaela traveled to Gatlinburg with their Beta team.

Joella had surgery on her foot two days before the trip and then managed to fall and sprain her wrist the first day there. She was a hot mess!

We removed this bonus growth from her foot.

Moana enjoys coming to work with me one day a week. I still work one day a week with a local CPA. Moana came from her, so she has me bring Moana, which is great for her socialization. 

Shan helped me re-cover all our kitchen seats. It was a whole day project, but they look so much better.

Micaela and Joella enjoyed attending their school's dance.

We traveled to Nashville for the day to attend a special St Patricks Day concert by Rend Collective. While in Nashville, we had to visit In'n'Out! The concert was amazing and was a great reprieve. We did decide driving to and from Nashville in one day after a concert is just too much (for future reference).

Rend Collective made it possible for the kids to meet them before the concert. This made all of their day!

Abigail and Elijah recently served with Inheritance of Hope at their Orlando retreat. I love seeing my kids give back to the amazing organization that served our family four years ago. They continue to serve us through weekly support groups (Life After Loss and Just Show Up Book Club) and other ways, like writing our family a song.

Grief is messy and my upstairs wall can attest to this. The kids had a little intense moment the other night, which resulted in a foot accidentally going through the wall. Naomi did not tell me, but completely fixed the wall while we had a garage sale. She did a great job and then told me what had happened. LOL!

Joella had a 48 hour EEG to see if she has outgrown her seizures. She recreated the same pose Wayne did when he had his 48 hour EEG.

Nicole and I enjoyed seeing Phil Wickham in concert in KY. It was an awesome worship service, which carried over into Sunday morning. I felt such a closeness to God...worship music has a way to reach my soul. 

Joella spent the day with her friend riding four wheelers and visiting friends.

Diagramming sentences has been such a therapeutic exercise for me. It allows me to slow down to study God's Word and see things that I haven't seen before. I decided to study Psalm 23 since our book club has been reading a fabulous book called A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23. Between that book and sentence diagramming, Psalm 23 has come alive in new and deeper ways. 

Prayer Requests:

- Please keep praying for our family as we navigate this grief and learn to walk in dual realities. 

Update 2/26/26: Two Months

My Dearest Wayne,

Somehow we have managed to walk through two months without you. It feels like forever since I have seen you, touched you, and talked with you…yet I know it has only been two months. Time seems like a weird space to exist in. Some days I just remind myself to breathe and that you would encourage me to get up and keep going. Today, as I drove to work, I remembered all the times I drove you places the last few years. You would hold my hand and smile…I miss that so much! I cried the whole way to Lexington thinking of you. I know you are living your best life, but I miss your huge, loving presence in my life. I’m doing my best to live each moment for Jesus, just like you did. 

You’d be proud of me. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and met a whole bunch of strangers last weekend. The weird thing is they started out as strangers, and after two days with them, I left with friends and sisters in Christ who understand what this awful new stage is like. It’s crazy to meet other young women alone because cancer took their beloved husbands as well. 

I know I’m not alone! God has been carrying us and taking care of us. Every time I start to worry about something, God reminds me that He has us in His hands. It’s been pretty amazing to see God work and move. But man, I wish you were here with us. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real, but when reality settles in my chest, that is when the breathing gets harder and the tears start to uncontrollably fall. After a few minutes, I wipe my eyes and continue living. Just as we talked about before, I will keep living for Jesus and loving our children until God is done with me here and takes me home. What a beautiful homecoming that will be…

The kids gave me a cold, so I miss your comforting words and touch right now even more. You know me, I hate being sick and your touch made everything feel a little better. Life feels off kilter now without you. But I see you in the little ways…things around the house that remind me of you, in the kid’s words and actions…you are missed and are loved. But how can we even compare to the glorious experience you have now? But as thrilled as I am for you, I just really miss you. 

I miss being able to bounce ideas and decisions with you. Since you died, so many decisions have to be made each day. It’s looking like I may have different options for work, but I’m praying for wisdom to know what is best for our kids and me as we navigate this whole new, unknown road. Sometimes I can almost hear your words of encouragement to keep going and keep my eyes above the sun. Speaking of which, our Precepts study on Ecclesiastes is almost over. I know why you loved that book so much. The timing was impeccable!! So many good reminders in that book for my life right now.

Well, I know you are probably busy hanging out with David and Peter as you worship Jesus. Just know that I love you and I miss you so much. I never knew it would hurt this much to miss you…but that is because you loved me so well. I love you to infinity and beyond! Wish I could give you an Eskimo kiss ❤️

Love your wife and best friend!

Update 2/24/26: Grief and Gratitude

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

The past few days have been a wild ride of emotions. After watching I Can Only Imagine 2 tonight, I found a way to express what I’ve been feeling - it’s a mixture of grief and gratitude. On a side note, if you haven’t watched it, the movie is excellent. The song the movie is based on, Even If, is the song I sang and cried out to God in the shower when I found out I had cancer and Wayne was not doing well. It was a dark and difficult time, but God sustained us and that song spoke to a deep part of my soul. 

I’m sure you have heard it said that, “God never wastes a hurt.” I’d also like to add that God never wastes a minute of your life or anyone you’ve met. Years ago (now I sound old), the kids attended a homeschool music class. During the class, I attended a Bible study with some amazing ladies I still call sisters and friends. Through this connection, I was put in touch with another woman, Lindsey, whose husband also was diagnosed with brain cancer. We have stayed in touch off and on through the past few years. After Wayne died, Lindsey reached out and invited me to a widows retreat that she had put together. She was allowing God to use her situation to bless others. I thought it would be an excellent chance for me to work on me and process some grief. My introverted self didn’t want to go meet a bunch of strangers, but I am so glad I said yes! It was worth the drive up to Chicago. 

Micaela and Joella didn’t mind tagging along with me so they could spend some quality time with their best friends. They are dealing with grief well, but there are times, like this weekend, that remind me that they still are vulnerable and processing. Being with friends was a nice distraction. 

When we arrived to Chicago, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to return to the home that we stayed at after Wayne’s second surgery or visit our old street. Seeing the recliner that Wayne sat in every day sent me into strong waves of grief. Driving past our old house filled with years of beautiful memories with Wayne brought a smile and tears to my eyes. They were just reminders that he really and truly is gone. I miss him so much!

Friday evening I arrived at the retreat. I met the other ladies and settled in. There were eight of us that attended the retreat. We all had so much in common…our ages, our loss, kids, and husbands that had died from cancer. Just with the few minutes of sharing, I felt a connection with each one. Things that were said mirrored my own thoughts and prayers. It was a mixture of grief and gratitude, 

We had some delicious food, a session on grief, and then we made flower arrangements. The next day, we had a session on kids and grief, a session on lament, some free time (where I managed to somehow pass out for 1.5 hours of glorious, much needed sleep), a widow panel, another delicious 3 course meal, and we ended the night with lament stations. The stations were one of my favorite things we did. It forced me to slow down and really express myself to God and process the grief.

Sunday morning, we were whisked away to a spa where we each had a special treatment given to us. The massage I received was amazing! We returned for lunch and then ended with a session about re-wiring the brain. It was very interesting to learn how science is reinforcing things the Bible teaches us about our minds!

After the retreat ended, I headed out to visit Gloria. It was wonderful to see her and get a hug. She had some items for the girls that I needed to pick up. 

From there, I met up with some homeschool friends from the early years. The kids call us the original 4. We would meet up at Chick-fil-A or parks to chat while the kids play. These are some special ladies!

Time in Chicago is never complete without time with my best friend Sue! 

Chicago is filled with so many memories and friends! I love getting to see people when I come back. If I didn’t see you, it was a quick trip and I wasn’t around much because of the retreat. I hope to come again so I can spend more time with all of you!

The girls made lots of memories with their friends. From coffee dates, baking, and a trip to Chinatown for boba.

S&T pizza kits (IYKYK) and a stop at Albanese is always on the list when we visit. 

These are the beautiful ladies that went to dinner and the movies with me tonight. Lots of Kleenex were used at the movie.