Job 9:25-27 “Now my days are swifter than a runner; they flee away, without a glimpse of joy. They slip by like reed boats, like an eagle that swoops on its prey. Though I say, ‘I will forget my complaint, I will leave off my sad countenance and be cheerful.”
Today, I was wondering why I felt a little off. Nothing huge, I could just sense today felt heavier than normal. I watched a movie with the kids and Sophia reminded me that tomorrow is the four month anniversary of Wayne going home. It suddenly all made sense. I have heard friends tell me that their bodies remembered grief before their minds did. It made sense, but I had never experienced it until I lost Wayne.
We have been hanging in there. Two weeks ago, my dad got really sick with some virus that caused him to develop pneumonia. Unfortunately, I caught the same bug and was laid up for a week. Laying around not feeling well made for a long week of extreme grief because so had too much down time to think. It’s not like I stay so busy that I don’t ever deal with my grief, but to just be stuck in grief for a few days wasn’t good. The crazy thing is that are still days that it hits be out of the blue that he’s really gone. I lose my breath in those moments as I think about what an amazing man I was married to.
Despite missing Wayne, we are doing our best to live each day to the fullest. The kids are persevering and doing well. We’ve had to still do some hard things, like ordering Wayne’s headstone. I actually took Sophia and Shan with me to do this task, since I didn’t want to do it alone and I knew it would mean a lot to Sophia. It was the first time I had visited his gravesite since he died. I know that is just where his body is buried, but it still is hard to see.
Recently, one of my highlights was attending a Mercy Me concert. They have a couple songs that have played a vital role. “Even If” was my go to song during my cancer treatments as I daily surrendered and trusted God with the results. Around the time of Wayne’s death, I heard the song “Make It Well”. The timing was perfect because I wanted to be able to sing It Was Well with My Soul, but it was hard some days. The lyrics of this song spoke straight to my heart. So, when I heard they were going to be somewhat close, I knew I needed to go to the concert. I also had recently watched “I Can Only Imagine 2” and sobbed when I heard that Tim lived after receiving terrible news about his cancer. God was gracious and allowed me to meet him, even just for a brief moment, and share with him how his testimony encouraged my heart.
Easter Sunday was a great day with family 🩷
My dad in the hospital. Thankfully, he is in the mend now. I prayed so hard that God would let him stay and live longer. I didn’t want to lose anyone else.
Moana is my buddy and always hangs out with me. We have been enjoying the beautiful weather on our deck. Wayne and I always enjoyed sitting on the deck and spent time talking for hours. I have tried to find new ways to enjoy the deck and find joy in each day.
I think Wayne would be proud how we have made it through the last four months. We are doing our best to persevere and live each day to the fullest for Jesus.
