Update 2/11/26: 11 Years

Eleven years ago today, our world was turned upside down. It’s the anniversary of the day Wayne was diagnosed with brain cancer. I was trying to figure out why today felt different. I hadn’t looked at the calendar, but my body/heart knew. Every year he was here was a gift. Last year we even hit the ten year anniversary with him with us. 

But this year, the anniversary hits different. No longer are we celebrating surviving in the 1% club, but we are part of the GBM took our loved one. I hate this cancer. It has taken not only Wayne, but friend’s husbands, fathers, mothers, children, and friends. More research must be done for this terrible cancer. With an average survival time of 12-18 months, it’s one of the worst cancers out there. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for all the extra time we had with Wayne. Too many people have their time cut short. But extra time didn’t mean we didn’t have a lot to deal with. Extra time meant we just slowly lost Wayne, especially the last two years. The kids and discuss how the anticipatory grief has helped lessen maybe some of the extremes of our grief since we have really been grieving for a few years. I even recently told my counselor that I remember Wayne holding me as I cried about losing him-talk about ironic. Anyway, this blog is a form of journaling for me and today was a day I needed to vent. 

We celebrate that Wayne is in heaven, but the loss of his presence in our lives leaves a huge gap. So today, I choose to look back and remember the amazing trip we had for our 20th anniversary. The love we had was once in a lifetime. I’m so glad I got to be the person he loved and that I got to be the one to love such an amazing man!!

Update 2/9/26: Hard Days…Smiling Through

Today has been a day where I have to remind myself at times to just breathe. It hasn’t been the whole day, but this evening a huge grief wave hit…enough to feel the wind knocked out of me. I was spending some time reading The Sermons of Behold Your God and then I was journaling a little. The grief suddenly hit out of the blue. I knew it had been building because I have had to deal with some hard things this past week. Never ending paperwork and decision making…it’s overwhelming at times. I just miss Wayne so much! Making decisions and doing some hard things isn’t new, I had to do a lot of that the past three years. The difference is Wayne was here to hug me and encourage me. Now I’m all alone. Everything just feels harder and more difficult without his encouraging words and touch. 

I have found getting up is challenging. Sleep is eluding me at night. I’m exhausted, and yet I just toss and turn. Music sometimes helps, but many times I turn the tv on just to have noise on to quiet my mind. 

Don’t get me wrong, God has been giving me some amazing days and has placed some people in my life to encourage me. I’m looking for the things each day to be thankful for, which are many. But I can’t ignore the aching in my heart of missing my person. I feel lost without him and I’m trying to just make it through each day. I’m no longer a caregiver, no longer a wife, lost my best friend…my identity has changed. But then I remind myself I am still a child of God, I’m still a mother, a Gigi, a friend, a sister in Christ. I am still Rebecca, I just have to figure out what that looks like going forward. And it makes me feel all kinds of emotions because I don’t like having to let go of some of my old roles and titles. 

God is good, despite all the hard. I choose to trust and walk in faith, even though this valley of death is terrible, I know He is with me.

So, I will share one of the good things God allowed this week in the middle of all the hard. Micaela and I volunteered at a Rend Collective concert and we were able to meet the group before the concert. Really nice, down to earth guys and their music was amazing! Worshiping with others was powerful and just blessed my socks off. I always feel like worship services like that are a little taste and glimpse of heaven…which now makes me feel closer to God and remind me Wayne is up there in person worshiping the same God!

Update 2/1/26: Healing in the Sunshine (Part 1)

Psalm 113:3 “From the rising of the sun to its setting the name of the Lord is to be praised.” 

After Wayne’s service, the kids and I enjoyed visiting with some family for the weekend. Once church was over, we packed our car and headed to Florida. It was a gift from my sister to us. It not only was a gift to get away together, but we missed the snow/icemageddon in KY. Due to the storm, we ended up staying an extra six days in Florida, which allowed us to spend more time with our friends. 

We stopped at all three Buc-ee’s on our trip down. Who can pass up snacks and drinks from there? The beef jerky is to die for…and will make you go broke. 

Naomi was my co-driver. She actually did quite a bit of the driving since she enjoys it like Wayne. Seeing her in Wayne’s hat doing his favorite thing, made me tear up on the trip. I love having pieces of him here with me.

We made a detour on our trip to go through Nashville to hit up In’N’Out! They finally opened one within 4 hours of us…we couldn’t pass up this opportunity.

We stayed with the Griffins in Georgia to break up the trip. We always enjoy our time with them. Nothing like seeing them two days in a row (they had come to Wayne’s service on Saturday).

The resort that we stayed at was amazing. It had lots of pools and activities for us. Sadly, the first few days of our trip were rather cool…not quite swimming weather. That weather came later in the week and we managed to get lots of sun.

I managed to read four books on our trip. I love sitting in beautiful weather and reading.

Pool time with friends is even more fun! The Edwards came to our place twice to swim. The kids had a blast together.  

We even managed to make some pool friends from Delaware.

We were able to enjoy a game of miniature golf with the Hartmans. They also had driven up for Wayne’s service. They are a treasure to us!

Micaela picking the pirate’s nose. 

I was able to take a few walks around the resort. There was also a Starbucks nearby, so I grabbed a tea and sat outside to study Ecclesiastes. I’m loving this study, especially since it was Wayne’s favorite book. I am also listening to his sermons on this book. It’s such a beautiful gift to have. Hearing his voice is so comforting, but it can also make me sad at times. I miss him so much!

I saw this on Facebook and it resonated with me, especially on this trip. So many things reminding me of Wayne. “Love doesn’t disappear, it learns how to walk beside you in a different way.”

I will post a second part of our trip in a couple days. We are busy unpacking tonight since we finally made it home.

Enjoy another one of Wayne’s sermons on Ecclesiastes.