My Rock

Today was one of the longest and hardest days of my life. After spending 15.5 hours at the hospital, I am utterly warn out-both physically and emotionally. Here is the verse that I am clinging to tonight as I go to sleep.

Psalms 62:5-8
"My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us."

Wayne was supposed to come home tonight with me. Unfortunately, not long after my last "update", Wayne thought he had a little seizure. The doctors weren't 100% sure it was that or just the affects of the anesthesiology medicine. Just minutes before we were about to leave, I went into the bathroom and when I came out, Wayne didn't look right. I asked him if he was okay and he was just muttering. At first I thought he was just playing and I told him that isn't a funny joke. I then realized he wasn't joking and he started shaking. I called for his nurse and had him lie down on the bed. I told him there was no way I was taking him home tonight. He already scared 10 years off my life with that one episode. They gave him a double dose of seizure medicine and are keeping him overnight to watch him. He hasn't had anything to eat except 4 crackers since dinner last night. After the two seizure episodes, he was told not to eat or drink anything more. It was hard leaving him at the hospital, but I knew he was in good hands.

Today, I really had to face reality. I think in some ways I've been in slight denial about all of the events. I mean, I haven't had time to really process what all of it means and the seriousness of it and Wayne looks perfectly normal. Today, that changed. Before they wheeled Wayne into surgery, it became real. When I had the surgeon come out into the waiting area, it became real. When I saw Wayne after his surgery, it became real. Finally, when I saw my big, strong husband, whom I love with all my heart. have a seizure before my eyes, it became real. The reality of our vows, "in sickness and in health" came to mind. I always knew there was a chance that one of us could get sick, but I figured that would happen later in life when we were old and gray. Facing something like this in our 30's with six little girls to think about, is not what I imagined. I'm still clinging to my rock, but today was an emotional struggle. I'm so thankful for the praise songs that I downloaded two weeks ago. What amazes me in all of this is how God has been orchestrating all these things in my life and I didn't even know what it was leading up to. Now I see the bigger picture and I'm in awe of how wonderful He is. The chorus that kept ringing through my mind as they were working on Wayne after his seizure was this, "Lord I need You, oh I need You. Every hour I need You. My one defense, my righteousness, of God how I need You."

I'm so thankful for not only the support of our family, but all of our friends as well. I was able to call a friend up at 10pm tonight on my way home from the hospital and ask if I could stop by and get a hug. I just needed to cry with someone and face the fact that as much as I'm trusting God and want to glorify Him, I'm also devastated. I'm sure I have many more tears to shed, but even in that, I know that God is sovereign and good. Psalm 56:8 says, "You put my tears in to Your bottle." God cares so deeply for me that He saves my tears in a bottle, He gives me songs to encourage my soul, and He gives me strength to face each day and each new thing that we will encounter on this journey. I am weak today, and I know there will be more days like this ahead. I find comfort in knowing this: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I will close with pictures from today. I can't wait to have this man back home with his family!

Out of Surgery and Waiting

Wayne is out of surgery. He was done right around 5pm. It's almost 7 and I still haven't seen him yet. The breathing tube came out right away, but I guess he is still sleeping a little before I can see him. The neurologist stopped by and they are pretty confident that the mass originated in the brain and not from somewhere else in the body. We will know 100% on Monday when we meet with him and talk about the next step. Meanwhile, Wayne can't remove his bandage for three days and can't shower for five days.

Update: finally got to see him at 7:15!! He's still out of it. He hasn't eaten since last night and I think that's part of it. He's down getting a catscan nw and then hopefully we'll be going home!! We've almost been here 15 hours. I'm ready to be home and I know Wayne is too.

Biopsy Update

They just wheeled Wayne back into surgery (3:40pm) and I'm now waiting in the "Family Waiting Area". It is now feeling real. The neurosurgeon resident said that they will be taking a couple biopsies while they are in there. They will get a sample near the surface of the mass and then also target the pea size center that is thicker. The teacher in me was curious to see what the procedure was like that they are doing, so I watched a youtube clip last night. Not a smart decision. Sometimes not knowing is better.

We learned more about the mass today from the resident. the mass is spidered out among the motor skills, like the ones that work the hand. They are hoping that by taking these samples, they can get a better understanding of what they are dealing with. It is possible that some of what they are seeing is brain swelling. Just praying and trusting God. We both teared up before they came and got Wayne. He said if I cry, I'll make him cry. The sweet nurse got me Kleenex so that I didn't ruin my sweater wiping my tears. Wayne kissed me and reminded me as they wheeled him away that God is still good despite what is happening. I love how he continually points me back to our God to keep all of this in perspective. As I left him, the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" started rolling through my head. 

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not,

As Thou has been, Thou forever wilt be.

CHORUS

"Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided,

"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sum, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness,

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Parson for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

CHORUS

"Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided,

"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord unto me!

Surgery should last about an hour and then recovery is about an hour. Hopefully if he does well, we'll head home tonight. I'll keep everyone posted as I hear more.

Quick Update

I just wanted to post a quick update for people checking in on the blog. Wayne went in at 1pm today for his pre-op appointment. Pretty much they wanted to make sure his heart and lungs would be okay during surgery and anesthesiology. He passed with flying colors. We have to be at Northwestern Hospital tomorrow morning at 6am. He will have another MRI at 6:00 and then at 7:30, he will have his biopsy performed. Wayne keeps calling it "obtaining a core sample". We are glad to see that his sense of humor hasn't been dimmed in this situation. The biopsy is supposed to be an out patient procedure, so we should be home by tomorrow evening. I'm not quite sure how drilling a hole in someone's skull is "outpatient", but I guess modern medicine is amazing. After tomorrow, the waiting begins since we won't have another appointment until Monday to talk about the pathology results. I'll post another quick update tomorrow after we get home.

I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has been making this whole journey easier. First of all, your prayers are working and we have had amazing peace through all of this. We know that God is sovereign and good and that He is in control of everything. Second, thank you for all the help that has been provided (meals, babysitting our daughters, offers of cleaning and laundry...the list goes on). We are so thankful for each of you and so appreciate all of your assistance and prayers.

New Normal

Psalm 100
"Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful singing. Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him, bless His name. For the Lord is good; His loving kindness is everlasting and His faithfulness to all generations."

It is late, but my mind was running like wild horses tonight as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep. I decided that I needed to come write about the day. Maybe writing what God has done today will allow my mind to rest. I am so thankful for a God that is faithful and compassionate!! Today was challenging at times. We are trying to find our new normal and at moments, it was very difficult. The little ones I think can sense that something is going on and have been more clingy, especially to Wayne. The older ones keep asking questions and hug Wayne throughout the day. I've noticed that life has taken on a little more of a heavy feel. There is never a guarantee in life, but in light of the reality of Wayne's unknown mass in his head, I can sense that time is that much more valuable right now. We are trying to enjoy every minute that much more.

I think today was harder on me for many reasons. The first being that it was a slower day. I didn't have the distraction of the business at the hospital and we didn't have school to try to complete. Today some of the "possibilities", or "realities" as some would say, hit home. Today I finally broke down and cried. Wayne was holding me on the couch and we were just talking. I started thinking about his sweet prayer at the dinner table with the family and it just made me start to cry. As I laid in his arms crying, God in His amazing love and compassion gave me another song, "Forever Reign". The lyrics were going through my head  as I cried. The specific part was this "Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms. The riches of Your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the World forever reign." What is so sweet and amazing of our dear Savior is that He reached down to comfort me in a way that He knows matters to me. My love language is touch and so I love being held in Wayne's arms. God gently reminded me and reassured me that even in the darkest times, there is nothing that compares to His embrace and His love is always enough. What a sweet, and meaningful reminder...especially on the day we celebrate love. 

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst,  a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love;
He will exult over you with loud singing." This is what God did for me tonight. He quieted me with His love, demonstrated His presence, and exulted over me with singing. 

Lamentations 3:22-24 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him.” I love this verse and have sensed that my hope truly comes from Him.

So, I will continue to cling to my rock. Psalm 18:1-3 "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised..." I know God is trustworthy and I have seen Him in the past get me through dark, troubled times. I know there may be times in my humanness that I may start to fail and become weak, but this verse speaks the truth. Psalm 73:25-26 "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I will conclude with one of my favorite hymns "It Is Well With My Soul". If you have never read the or heard his story, see it here. I have a feeling that God will be using many songs to speak to me. I love praise and worship songs and hymns. Please feel free to share verses that have spoken to you in your times of great need. May God continue to move and teach us about Himself through each of the coming days!!

Ultimate Goal: God's Glory

We were created for one purpose - to bring glory to God. 

"Ascribe to the Lord, O sons of the mighty, Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength. Ascribe to the Lord the glory due to His name; Worship the Lord in holy array." Psalm 29:1-2

"I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Your name forever." Psalm 86:12

"Worthy are You, our Lord and our God, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and because of Your will they existed, and were created." Revelation 4:11

As a family, we decided 2015 was going to be a year of making intentional decisions that would teach us 1)more about who God is and how we can bring Him glory and 2)teach us about suffering so that we can have compassion on orphans and the persecuted church (know how to pray for them better). You can see more here. February was designated "eat like an orphan" month. We have mainly been eating rice and bean dishes from around the world to discover and experience just how blessed we are in America. We have been learning so much this month about how blessed we are and just how wonderful God is to us. 

God laid it on my heart about a month ago to start a new devotional on God's Attributes with the girls during our morning devotions. We also have been memorizing verses about God (Isaiah 40:9-31; Romans 8:39). At the same time, Wayne has been teaching a Sunday School class on "Who God Is". He has been delving deeply into the attributes of God and we have continued to grow in our knowledge of this wonderful God we serve.

Psalm 90:2 "Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God."

I say all of this to lay the ground work for what I am going to share with you. It has been 44 hours since our world was "turned upside down". On Wednesday, I had just finished singing some praise songs with the girls. The last song we were singing before the phone rang was "My Heart is Yours". I ran to answer the phone and it was Wayne. I assumed that he was calling to let me know that his meeting was going to go too long that evening and he wouldn't be able to come to AWANA. He then went on to tell me that he had a seizure. Wayne had been at a work lunch. They were leaving the restaurant and he went to grab some mints out of a bowl with a spoon. He was able to dump the mints into his hand, but when he went to drop the spoon, he couldn't. He knew something was wrong and went to say something, but the words in his brain wouldn't come out of his mouth. He then collapsed. His co-workers called 9-1-1. It wasn't until the EMTs arrived that Wayne regained consciousness (about 5-8 minutes later). The EMTs wanted to take him to Mercy Hospital, but Wayne asked to be taken to Northwestern. He was right near both of them, but they thought Mercy was closer. He insisted that Northwestern had to be just as close as Mercy and he wanted to be at Northwestern Hospital. God's hand was upon this decision we later found out because we were at one of the best neurological hospitals in the U.S.

It was about 1:50pm when Wayne called me. I was trying to figure out where I could take the girls and how I would get downtown so I could get to Wayne. I didn't want to drive downtown because Wayne had driven into work, no point paying parking on two vehicles, let along trying to get both back home. God's hand was upon Wayne this whole day. It was less then two hours after Wayne parked his car that his seizure hit. If it would have hit when he was driving...well, we don't want to think about that. I looked up Metra trains and there "just happened" to be a train coming at 3pm in Worth. You have to understand, Worth doesn't have many trains that come through. The fact that there was a train in less then an hour at this time of day was a miracle. I called my neighbor about watching the girls. She had just walked in the door and told me to bring the girls right over. In less then an hour, I got everyone out the door and jumped on the train. In all the craziness, I forgot that I'd have to pay for a train ticket to go downtown. I dug through my purse and found four $1 bills. The ticket cost $5.50, so I started digging like crazy for change. Thankfully, I had just enough change. I normally don't carry cash and paying for a train ticket was the last thing on my mind that day. The song that we had been singing the hour before "My Heart is Yours" kept ringing in my head as the train traveled closer to Chicago. Everything in my life is ultimately God's and I wanted Him to know that I trust Him 100%, even if the results aren't what I, as a human, would want to see. I could feel His presence on that train and I have felt His presence and peace through this whole ordeal. 

When I pulled into Union Station, I decided that I'd walk to the hospital. Traffic was bad and I didn't want to just sit in a taxi. I love walking downtown and I used this time to get some pent up energy out. I walked so fast that it only took me 27 minutes to walk 2 miles. When I arrived at the hospital, it was such a relief to see Wayne looking "normal" except for a huge black eye he received when he fell. He then told me that he had a cat-scan and it showed that he has a mass in his brain. They believe that the mass is what caused the seizure. That was a rough few minutes trying to digest that news. Looking at him it was hard to believe that this man that I have loved for 17 years could have something that could potentially kill him. 

The ER doctor came in and spoke with us and said the next step was to get Wayne an MRI so they could get a better look at the mass. I learned very quickly that "fast" in the hospital in normal people's time is hours. The MRI was supposed to take 15-20 minutes and he was gone for almost 1.5 hours. Thankfully, three of the guys who Wayne works with, that had been with him at lunch, stopped by the hospital. It was a nice distraction as we waited for Wayne to get out of the MRI. In all the craziness of trying to process the news, I wasn't sure who to call or what to say since we didn't know much ourselves. 

When Wayne arrived back from his MRI, they moved him up to his regular hospital room. The nurses we had at Northwestern, Emily and Mary Margaret, were phenomenal. They helped answer any questions we had about what was next. Everything takes so much time when you are at a hospital. There were many hours of just waiting and talking through what may happen. Some discussions I wish we didn't even have to talk about, but we wanted to make sure that we addressed even hard issues that may arise. 

A neurological doctor came by and talked a little with us, but they kept deferring everything off to the head surgeon, who wouldn't be in until tomorrow. It was getting late and I wasn't sure what to do about the girls. I knew my neighbor had said she would take the kids, but what if they did surgery overnight? I wanted to be there with Wayne until we had a plan figured out. I was thinking about contacting another friend to see if she could spend the night, but I decided I'd wait a little longer. Literally, a minute later, I received a text from her telling me that if I need anything, she'd help. I took that as a sign that I should text her and ask her to spend the night with the girls. Once I knew the "home front" was taking care of, I was able to focus on Wayne. I also used this time to get our prayer warriors started.

Thankfully, Wayne had a great night sleep. Unfortunately, I did not. Between the pull out couch "bed", the dry hospital air and my mind running wild, I didn't get much sleep. It was worth it though to be with Wayne. I prayed and yielded everything, including Wayne to God. This is where the rubber hits the road. It is easy to say you know things about God and that you trust Him, but here is where it becomes real. Everything I know about God and have been studying, strengthened me and is what I clung to. God, Elohim the Creator, created Wayne and knit him together in his mother's womb. He is fearfully and wonderfully made by God and God holds the future in His hands. Our God is Sovereign and has a perfect plan and purpose for our lives, including Wayne. If the God, who holds the waters in the palms of His hands and marks of the heavens with a span, can do all of these things and more, who am I to doubt that He has a perfect plan in all of this? 

Thursday morning, well the whole day, was a lot more waiting. The residents stopped by first thing in the morning and gave us an update. Dr. Chandler would be by later in the afternoon to talk about the plan. Meanwhile, the next step was to get a more detailed MRI that maps his brain and shows them where things are located (nerves, different functions of the brain). If I thought the wait was brutal, Wayne's part was even worse. He had to lay on a flat board with a ring around his head for 2.5 hours. They asked him all kinds of questions to make his brain work as they were scanning it. He said when it was all over, he did a bunch of squats to get his body loose, which the nurses weren't too thrilled about him doing.

As I was waiting, I caught up on texts and calls. All the response was overwhelming, but wonderful. One thing I have discovered in all of this is that the family of God is amazing. I don't know how non-believers and people who aren't actively involved in church, get through things like this. I didn't have to give one minute of thought to the girls being provided for. I have had more offers to babysit and help then I could even use. Meals, shopping, really anything, had been offered. The love and care poured out from everyone has been such a blessing. The most important thing, is all the prayers. We believe the more prayer, the better! The one thing Wayne is asking is that if you are going to pray for us, the first thing we want to pray is for God to be glorified. Wayne said, "Whether I live or die, I want all of this to bring glory to God." Secondarily, you can pray for wisdom for the doctors and for our family. 

So what's next? Dr. Chandler has scheduled Wayne for a biopsy on Tuesday. He will be taken in and have the procedure done on Tuesday morning. We then have to wait a week for the pathology results. We are scheduled to go in on Monday, 2/23, to plan the next step based on the biopsy. From the sounds of it, if it is cancerous, they will do radiation and chemo to shrink the tumor. If it isn't cancerous, they will then do surgery to remove as much of the tumor as possible. The most difficult thing in all of this is where the tumor is located. It is located on the top left side of his brain. It is right in-between the motor skills section of the brain - one side is where the brain is told "move my arm" the other side is where your arm actually does the movement. If they move or touch the part that tells your arm to move, if can repair itself and get better, but may experience weeks or months of decreased ability. If they cut too close to the part where you actually move body parts, that would be permanently altered. So, we are looking at potentially some life-changing things coming up. Again, our main prayer is that God is glorified. Secondarily, we are praying that the doctor's will have wisdom to remove this mass as safely as possible with few repercussions. 

Finally I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for the prayers, support and help. We couldn't do this with out God and without you!! Here are some verses that were shared with us in the hospital by a dear friend. It spoke volumes to me and brought me such encouragement. May it be an encouragement to you as well!!

Ephesians 3:14-20
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith;and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us,  to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations [n]forever and ever. Amen."

Week 2

We are officially on day 3 of week 2. This week has gotten a lot easier for all of us. I believe my body has adjusted to the food and flavors, since this week hasn't been as hard. We had an amazing meal on Sunday night from the Mediterranean. This one will be added to our arsenal for future meals. The lentil soup and Chapati bread tasted pretty delicious. Not everyone loved the flavors in the soup, so I'm not sure if I would make it again. The Waakye rice and beans (the recipe from Africa), was a huge hit at CC and with Wayne. The rice and beans were very flavorful and filling. We didn't have any leftovers from Monday since everyone enjoyed tasting them. Fortunately, the majority of our family liked the meal and we'll probably be making it again this month. I'll include all the recipes below (continuing my post from the other day).

Today I made a quick recipe of canned pinto beans and rice for the girls for lunch. I am still eating leftovers that they are not interested in consuming. Tonight I am planning on making Pancit again since everyone ate it and enjoyed the meal. So now on to the fun part...the recipes!

This is a picture I found online of what Chapati is supposed to look like. Mine was too thick and very dense. I guess I'll have to try this one again.

Chapati:

Ingredients:
- 2 Cups flour
- 1 tsp salt
- warm water
- cooking oil

Directions:
1. All ingredients should be allowed to come to room temperature if they have been in the refrigerator. Mix the flour and salt in a bowl. Slowly mix in enough water to make a thick dough. Mix in one spoonful of oil. Knead the dough on a cool surface for a few minutes, adding a few spoonfuls of dry flour. Return the dough to the bowl, cover with a clean cloth, and let rest for 30 minutes.
2. Lightly grease (with cooking oil) and pre-heat a skillet or griddle.
3. Divide the dough into orange-sized balls. Flatten them into six-inch circles. Fry them in the skillet or griddle, turning once, until each side is golden brown and spotted.
4. Cover the finished chapatis and place them in a warm oven until they are done.
5. Serve with butter, and any curry, soup, stew, etc.


Maharagwe (Red Beans): Sweet Version

Ingredients:
- 2 cups (about one pound) of dry red beans or kidney beans - I used dried kidney beans
- 1 or 2 cups of coconut milk or whole milk - I used coconut milk (I think the 2 cups)
- Sugar to taste (2-4 Tb)
- 1/4 tsp of cinnamon or 1/4 tsp ground cardamom

1. Soak the beans in water overnight.
2. Rinse and drain soaked beans. Place the beans in a large cooking pot and add fresh water to cover. Bring to a fast boil and cook for 10 minutes. Reduce the heat and simmer until beans are nearly tender.
3. Add all remaining ingredients. Cover and cook until all is tender, stirring occasionally.

Pinto Beans and Rice: The quick version we made for lunch today

Ingredients:

- 1 large can of pinto beans
- 1 garlic clove minced
- 1 Tsp chili powder
- 1/2 tsp cumin
- 1/2 tsp oregano
- Rice (cooked)

1. Put a little oil in a pan and put the garlic in it. Continue cooking it until the oil heats up and the garlic softens.
2. Add the can of pinto beans and the seasoning.
3. Continue cooking until the beans are nice and hot and soften.
4. Serve over cooked rice.

Pinto Beans and Rice: The Original Recipe

Ingredients:
- 1 lb dried pinto beans
- 1/3 cup picante sauce
- 2.5 tsp salt
- 1/2 tsp pepper
- 1 tsp garlic powder
- 1 Tb. garlic, minced
- 1 Tb. chili powder
- 1/2 tsp cumin
- 1/2 tsp oregano
- 1 cup cooked white rice

Directions:
1. Rinse beans in colander
2. Put in a crock pot (or large pot)
3. Cover with water, plus about 2 inches over top of beans.
4. Add all ingredients, except rice.
5. Cook on high in crock pot (about 3 hours until tender) - each crockpot is different and may take extra time. Make sure you allow for extra time in case it takes longer
6. Add water if necessary (you may also cook on low overnight
7. Add rice and cook until rice is warm
8. Serve with cornbread