The House of Mourning

Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 "It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth."

Last week I had the privilege of traveling to California to support my friend Lynnie, who had lost the love of her life to GBM brain cancer. I met Lynnie a few months ago in a Facebook support group for women whose husbands have GBM brain cancer. I discovered that Lynnie lived in Chicago and that her husband, Bobby, was being treated at Northwestern like Wayne. We started attending the brain cancer support group at Northwestern around that same time. In the support group, we were given the opportunity to get to know Bobby and Lynnie better. I know that there are no accidents in this life. Meeting and getting to know Bobby and Lynnie was not by accident. I know that God placed me in Lynnie's life for a purpose. That purpose was to be a light. 

God calls us to be the aroma of Christ to the world around us. Walking with someone through the death of a loved one is difficult, but it provides us not only a chance to show the love of Jesus, but it also gives us a chance to stop and reflect. According to Ecclesiastes, it is better to go to the house of mourning then to a house of feasting. Bobby and Lynnie are Jewish, which allowed me to experience a different kind of funeral. The service was beautiful and I loved hearing the scriptures read in Hebrew. Bobby was buried at Mount Sinai cemetery in California, which was one of the most beautiful cemeteries I have ever seen. 

After the funeral, they hold a Shiva, which is a seven day period of mourning. In Old Testament times this was a time of outward mourning where people would rip their clothes, they would weep and wail, they wouldn't eat, and they put ashes on their head. Friends would go to the house of mourning to visit, mourn, and eat with the family. At Bobby's funeral, the modern version of ripping your clothes was performed. The Rabbi placed a ribbon on each of the family members and then the Rabbi ripped the ribbon to symbolize the tearing of one's clothes, which is called Kriah. It is so beautiful to see Jewish practices and realize the Jesus participated in all of these during His life on earth. I love the heritage that we share! The Rabbi quoted Psalm 121, one of my favorite chapters in the Bible that talks about the help that God gives us!

Experiencing this Jewish funeral made the verses in the Bible come alive, especially the verses from Ecclesiastes above. As I sat grieving with my friend and her loved ones, it reminded me how precious life is. If you attend a party or banquet, chances are that you aren't contemplating and evaluating your life. Most likely, you are laughing and enjoying yourself. Laughter is good for us. In fact, in Proverbs 17:22, it says that a joyful/cheerful heart is good medicine. The danger is that we tend to run from our problems or from the gravity of life and death. We prefer laughing and good times instead of pondering that our lives are but a vapor (James 4:14). 

Sorrow, although it is painful, leads us to reflective thinking about our lives. We try to avoid death and suffering, and yet these are the very things that God uses to mold and shape us to make us more into His image. Suffering and sorrow lead to eternal benefits, which are far greater than the temporary pleasures that one experiences at a party. 

How do you respond to sorrow, pain and suffering? When you are a child of God, He walks along side you and comforts you in ways no person or substitute can. Experiencing joy in the midst of trials, suffering, and loss seems to contradict one another. But, when your joy comes from the Lord, it is unending and unexplainable. Will there be sadness and tears, absolutely! Even Jesus wept when Lazarus died. 

Sorrow, pain and suffering is all around us. Tomorrow the girls and I will attend the wake of an amazing, godly woman who I have known for about fifteen years. We spent hours canning together and just talking about Jesus. Although it is sad to see her go, I know that she is in heaven rejoicing with her Savior!

This morning I wept with my friend Lori. Her father is in the hospital facing a very dire future with cancer. We wept over the phone and prayed together over her father. Although we prayed for a physical healing, the more important prayer of our hearts was for his salvation. 

The hardest part of attending a funeral is knowing the person didn't know Jesus as their Savior. I have attended quite a few funerals. There is a huge difference between the funerals I have attended. Last year I attended the funeral of a man who faithfully loved and served Jesus up until his final breath. His funeral was a celebration of a life well lived and a "celebration" of his home coming. His family didn't mourn as those without hope, but as those with hope that they will one day be reunited with him in heaven. I attended another funeral a few years ago and the person was an unbeliever. It was a very somber, sad funeral as the family mourned without hope. Both families experienced sorrow and sadness over their loved ones, but the difference was hope or the lack of hope. Jesus is the one that provides the hope that makes the difference! He can turn our mourning into joy.

Psalm 30:5 "...weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning."

Jeremiah 31:13 "...For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow."

Back to Ecclesiastes 4 and the deep truths contained within those verses. My challenge is for you to attend funerals. Don't be afraid to ponder and consider death. Death is inevitable for all of us and no one is promised a long life. Through sorrow we consider the seriousness of life, we take inventory of our lives, we evaluate our situations, and we make changes to our lives. It is human nature to look more seriously at God when we experience suffering and sorrow. We realize that we can not do life on our own. Our times of need lead us to depend on Him and His strength to make it through. The trick is to remind ourselves when life is "good" and "going well" to keep that same dependence on Him. 

I know that when Wayne was going through his brain cancer treatments, that God used that time to draw my heart closer to Him. He created a depth in my soul that I couldn't have reached any other way. I look back in my life and I know there are very specific times that my faith grew deeper during painful suffering and trials. But I would not trade those experiences because of the work God has done in my life.

Allow God to do the work He wants to do in your life. Is it hard and painful to allow God to mold and shape us? Yes! But is it worth it? Absolutely! He will walk along side you and will fulfill His promises because He is faithful. We may not see His purpose this side of heaven, but we can rest in the knowledge of who He is and the promises He has given us.

Job 8:21 "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

Please pray for my friend Lori and her dad, for Lynnie as she mourns the loss of Bobby, for my friend Mary and her husband Jonathan who is fighting brain cancer, for the Deal family as they mourn the loss of Edna, and for the salvation of any of these who do not know Jesus, who is the HOPE that I live on every day!

The Long Goodbye

Isaiah 43:1-3 "But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.'"

Back in 2015 when Wayne was diagnosed, I came across a blog written by a woman by the name of Kara Tippetts. Months before I found this blog, I had read a letter she wrote to a young woman named Brittany Maynard. A friend on Facebook, whose father had passed away from brain cancer, shared this letter. At the time, it moved me greatly. Little did I know that brain cancer would touch our lives just a few short months later. In this letter Kara, who was dying from stage 4 breast cancer, shared with Brittany, who wanted to end her life because of her brain cancer, that we don't have to be afraid of dying or suffering. Kara spoke from first hand experience walking the hard road of suffering. Here is a quote from part of her letter to Brittany: 

Dear heart, we simply disagree. Suffering is not the absence of goodness, it is not the absence of beauty, but perhaps it can be the place where true beauty can be known.

In your choosing your own death, you are robbing those that love you with the such tenderness, the opportunity of meeting you in your last moments and extending you love in your last breaths.

As I sat on the bed of my young daughter praying for you, I wondered over the impossibility of understanding that one day the story of my young daughter will be made beautiful in her living because she witnessed my dying.

That last kiss, that last warm touch, that last breath, matters — but it was never intended for us to decide when that last breath is breathed.

Knowing Jesus, knowing that He understands my hard goodbye, He walks with me in my dying. My heart longs for you to know Him in your dying. Because in His dying, He protected my living. My living beyond this place.

But in my whispering, pleading, loving voice dear heart- will you hear my heart ask you, beg you, plead with you — not to take that pill. Yes, your dying will be hard, but it will not be without beauty. Will you please trust me with that truth.

More importantly, will you hear from my heart that Jesus loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He died an awful death upon a cross so that you would know Him today that we would no longer live separate from Him and in our death. He died and His death happened, it is not simply a story.

He died and He overcame death three days later, and in that overcoming of death He overcame the death you and I are facing in our cancer. He longs to know you, to shepherd you in your dying, and to give you life and give you life abundant- eternal life.

But in our dying, He does meet us with His beautiful grace.

Just a few months after reading this touching and moving letter, Wayne was diagnosed with the same brain cancer that took Brittany Maynards young life. One night, as I was up late praying and wrestling with God over this cancer, God brought this letter to my mind. I looked up Kara's website and read her old posts. I did not know Kara, yet her honest expression of what she was experiencing and the closeness she felt with God reached through the screen. Not long after I started reading her blog, she passed away from her cancer. I was devastated, along with thousands of people around the world who were following her story.

It was at that moment that I realized that God uses both life and death to display His glory. God has been glorified through this woman's life in amazing ways across the globe. One person's suffering, that she handled with grace, has touched thousands of lives. Isn't that how we should all live? 

From the beginning of Wayne's diagnosis, it has been our prayer that God would be glorified, in his living or in his dying, much like Kara's life. God has been gracious to allow Wayne to lives these four years, after being told that the average life expectancy is 12-18 months. We cannot take a moment for granted, we must live in the beauty of suffering. Whether that suffering is a hard relationship, a physical illness, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, etc. God, in His great plan, allows suffering to enter our lives. Not to punish us or to be a mean God, but to help grow us in His image and draw us closer to Him. Wayne is not the same man he was before brain cancer, he is even better now. His love for the Lord and his passion to live fully for God is contagious. He may not be able to always clearly communicate his thoughts, but deep inside is a man with a deeper love and walk with the Lord because of his suffering. Wayne's suffering has impacted our entire family, but I trust that God will be glorified in the end in all of our lives because we have been entrusted to walk this road of suffering, which allows us to grow closer to God each day. 

I am so thankful for Kara and her testimony. At the end of her life, some friends decided to make a documentary about her life and her testimony. On March 22nd, this documentary will be released on DVD. Below is the trailer for the movie. I already ordered a copy. I would love for others to be able to experience the testimony of this godly woman. I am going to give away a free copy of the movie to one of my blog followers, so if you aren't following me, add me. 😀 There will be a random drawing on 4/15/19. 

Thank you again for all of your prayers for our family! We couldn't make it on this journey without all of you praying along side of us! Please also pray for my friend Lynnie who lost her sweet husband tonight to brain cancer. My heart is breaking with her.

Two Year Adventure

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Today Facebook reminded me that two years ago I was climbing the Great Wall of China! I absolutely loved China and would return in a heart beat to visit our sons' birth country. The people of China were friendly, the food was delicious, and the best part of the trip was getting our two sons. I won't sugarcoat adoption and make it appear like it is all rainbows and unicorns because adoption is hard. BUT, adoption is also beautiful. It is crazy to see how far we have come in two years...both individually and as a family. God has taught me so much over the past two years about myself, and He continues to teach my heart new things. Different experiences in life will peal back layers we try to cover over. Adoption is one of those experiences that God will use to point out parts of your heart and attitude that need adjusting. Although the last two years have been hard at times, I would not change the past or exchange what I have learned. 

There are many hard things in adoption, but there are pictures of beauty as well. This year, both boys decided that they wanted to follow Jesus!! That made our heart sing with joy! That wasn't the only exciting news. Yesterday at church when Shan Chen saw a screen mentioning baptism, he told us that he wanted to be baptized and it was time that he took that step. Last night Shan Chen called our pastor and told him that he wanted to be baptized. Shan Chen will be the first one to tell you that while in China, he never heard who Jesus was. In fact, he will tell you that he prayed to idols and he feels bad that he did that. He says that someone needs to tell other people in China about Jesus! He says that he is so glad that he came to America and was able to learn about Jesus' love and forgiveness! THAT is worth every tear, struggle, and battle we have fought over the two years fighting trauma, medical issues, and different diagnosis. 

And that my friend is where YOU come in. There has been a lot of chatter and discussion on the internet over the last few weeks about abortion and protecting life. I am full PRO-LIFE, so hear my heart clearly in this! I wonder how many of us say we are pro-life, but don't do anything else to help protect those lives we don't want aborted. What about a young mom who needs someone to walk along side her during her pregnancy and needs someone to show her the love of Jesus? What about the 100,000+ children in America in foster care? What about volunteering at your local pregnancy center, or opening your home for short period of time through Safe Families? Maybe it is supporting someone adopting or donating supplies to organizations who are on the ground fighting to help others? Sometimes we need to put some feet to our words. Proclaiming the gospel to a lost and dying world is the most important task we have as Christians, but we also are called to be God's hands and feet. On this day we celebrate 2 years with DJ (Shan Chen's two years is in just a couple days), I just wanted to challenge you to pray and contemplate how God may be calling YOU to be His hands and His feet.

Some people think we are crazy and they have questioned if we have lost our minds. I mean who adopts two boys, with unknown needs, in the midst of having a terminal cancer? Who moves to another state and leaves everything behind for the unknown? I say we are absolutely not crazy, we are just crazy for Jesus! As Corrie ten Boom once said, "The safest place to be is in the center of God's will." Pray and ask God where the center of His will is for your life. Maybe God has some crazy, bold adventure for your to embark on as well. I say go for it! There is no place better than in God's will!!!

China: 2017 (above pictures)

Current pictures (below)

Walking Miracle

Psalm 139:16 "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me..."

Psalm 90:12 "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."

Today marks the four year anniversary of when Wayne was diagnosed with brain cancer. Although we wouldn't find out it was a terminal diagnosis (GBM- average life expectancy is 12-18 months) until almost a month later, it was a day that changed our lives forever. I can still remember all the emotions and feelings of that evening as I sat in the ER with Wayne hearing the news of a brain tumor. If I dwell on it too long, the emotions can tumble over me like the waves of the sea and engulf me in grief again. Each day is walk in faith. I have to trust that God knows exactly what He is doing since He is Yahweh, the God who never changes. He is Eloheim, the great creator who created Wayne and as the Psalms say, God has ordained every day for Wayne, and for all of us. My job is to rest and trust in who God is and leave the future to Him.

Some days that is harder then others to do...to walk in faith and trust God 100%. It is especially hard when I look around me and see so many of my friends losing their loved one to this awful disease called brain cancer. When we started on this journey four years ago, we quickly met many who had brain cancer and we added them to our prayer requests, by name. Slowly, over the last four years, we have lost all but two on that list, which started with twelve people. Sadly, one of the last two on the original list is not doing well right now either. It is so hard to see people I call friends losing their loved ones. Sometimes I feel guilty that Wayne is doing so well and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop and his cancer return.

God has been so faithful through each step of this journey! We will continue to live each day to the fullest and Lord willing, fulfill God's purpose in our lives and continue to give Him all the glory that is due His name! Our prayer from the beginning was for God to get the glory in all of this, whether it be in our living or in our dying.   

Picture of Wayne's brain from the MRI. The black space is where the tumor/brain was removed during surgery almost four years ago. It is a miracle that he can communicate at all and function with that much of his brain gone! God is good!

How Far We've Come in Four Years!

After the biopsy, which landed us in the hospital an extra day after a severe seizure.

After brain surgery to remove his lemon sized tumor.

Rehab: learning how to talk and walk again.

Wayne reading to little Joella. I'm so glad that Wayne has had all these extra years so that the little ones can remember their dad.

Celebrating our 4th year of clear scans with a trip to Fattoush, which is an amazing restaurant in Worth!

Picture on the left is almost one year from diagnosis, picture on the right is four years out.

Please continue to pray for us to trust the Lord every day with Wayne and our future. Please also pray for my friend Mary Bost and her sweet family as her husband is not doing well right now with his brain cancer. Finally, please pray for my dad who broke his ankle and has to be off his feet for 10 weeks! Thank you for all of your support these last 4 years!

Milestones: 20 Years

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? An though one might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him - a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

On January 9th, 20 years ago, I married my best friend! Marriage is such a beautiful, but hard thing. It is also an amazing picture of Jesus Christ and the church, His bride. Four years ago, I didn't know if we would reach this milestone after Wayne was diagnosed with GBM brain cancer, which has a 12-18 month life expectancy. We decided to celebrate this special occasion with a trip away. At first we talked about going away to some exotic island for a week, but decided that we wanted to stay in the states and not have to fly anywhere since Wayne doesn't do well on long plane rides anymore. As I was looking into options, I received an email about the G3 Conference (a Bible conference) being held in Atlanta during our trip. We have wanted to attend the G3 Conference for a few years. We decided that we could have a nice trip away from the kids in Georgia. Wayne, being so thoughtful, asked if there were any races in Alabama during that time, since I have not run that state. I discovered that there was a half marathon in Mobile, AL during our trip. So, I ran state #27 while on our anniversary trip!

We decided to spend four days in the Gulf Shores after my race. We enjoyed quiet time away from the kids and our daily walks, even though it was in the 40s the entire time we were at the beach.

We then traveled to Atlanta and attended the G3 Conference. Some may be thinking, "Wow! That's romantic!" But here is the thing, it is only by God's grace and our relationship with Him that has gotten us this far in our marriage. We wanted to continue to grow closer to Him, which ultimately, helps us grow closer together. Plus, anyone with kids knows that just being away from the kids for a few days is vacation enough! The conference was so refreshing for our souls! We were able to sit under some amazing teaching by some of my favorite preachers: John Piper, David Platt, Voddie Baucham, Paul Washer, and more. The theme was on missions, something I am passionate about. I ended up with 83 pages of notes that I still need to read through and digest at a deeper level. It was like sitting in front of a fire hydrant trying to take in all the beauty of God's word, His heart fo us, and His heart for missions. I left there feeling spiritually charged and encouraged!

While we were at the Gulf Shores, we decided to get our pictures taken to celebrate our 20 year anniversary. As I mentioned before, four years ago when Wayne was diagnosed with brain cancer, I didn't think that we would ever make it to our 20th anniversary. I wanted to have photos to document such a momentous occasion in our lives. I reached out to Kassie from www.kassiebias.com to find out about photos. I shared with her our story and she offered to take our pictures for free! She works with Magic Hour, an organization that helps families with terminal illnesses get photographs of their loved ones before they pass away. Kassie was such an amazing photographer to work with and I hope to take the kids to the Gulf Shores soon and get family photos with her! Let me know which photos are your favorite! I am having a hard time picking a favorite!

Marriage is a beautiful thing! If you are struggling in your marriage, hang in there. Life is messy and hard, but being with the love of your life during those hard times is so much better! I realized the other day that I have officially been married to Wayne half of my life! I would never trade any of the time with Wayne for anything else the world offers. Also, make sure to treasure every moment with your spouse or loved one! None of us know when our last day will be here on earth. Let's live each moment to the fullest loving those around us!