Matthew 19:5-6 “and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and two shall become one flesh’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no person is to separate.”
I have been contemplating these verses today as Wayne has slept most of the day. I may ramble in this post as I process a lot of things. I feel like my brain hasn't been functioning very well the past two weeks. Sometimes the blog is just my way of processing, so you can ignore my babbling.
Anyway, I have been contemplating the deep pain and loss/grief that I have been recently walking through. I thought of these verses and I have been wondering about somethings. Maybe part of the reason the pain and grief feels so deep is because part of me is dying. According to the verses, Wayne and I are one. So although it is not my body dying, part of me is dying because we are one. I read this on Google and I thought I was good. “Holistic unity: beyond sex, it means becoming one in spirit, emotion, finances, and life’s journey, functioning as a single entity. It’s a sacred, lifelong bond."
A lifelong bond is what Wayne and I share. It's hard to imagine me without him since we have grown up together! Approximately 9,435 days ago, I walked into Santa Rosa Bible Church and saw Wayne. I had to drive my sister to a Bible conference at the church for her to get credit for her Bible class. I decided to stay. I quickly noticed a handsome man sitting a few rows ahead of me with his Bible open…and he sat alone. He was there every evening of the conference and he was actively engaged. I had been visiting churches looking for a college/young adult group. I decided after the Bible conference that I was going to attend this church. Wayne wasn’t the only reason I chose the church. I knew other people there too, but he was a huge draw.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my 19 year old self to make the same decision about Wayne. When I met Wayne, he was a little rough around the edges. He was kind of in your face and brutally honest about whatever thoughts he had-definitely no filter. I found it refreshing to meet someone real and transparent, but that wasn't everyone’s cup of tea. I look back and cannot believe that this introvert was so bold when it came to Wayne!
Our friendship grew during our preparation for a mission trip to Mexico. It grew exponentially on the long bus ride. I actually asked Wayne to sit by me when we left for Mexico! I’m telling you, I never pursued a guy before. 🫣 I also asked him to help me with statistics homework and I would find excuses to “run” into him at Sonoma State. On our way home from Mexico, Wayne and I made a bet. I figured either way, I won…we would go out to eat. One way I’d have to pay for a meal and the other way he did, but to me it was a win-win situation. It was also on this trip that Wayne and I were able to talk about some trauma from my past and he gave me a huge, compassionate hug. He jokes that he knew he was in trouble when I hugged him tight. I tease him that I knew then that I was going to marry him.
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Our first “date” was to Round Table pizza in Rincon Valley. I believe it was in April, sometime after spring break. We would occasionally hang out and Wayne knew I liked him. He once told me (again being just blunt and honest), that I was not the type of girl you date. He paused a long time before adding, I’m the type of girl you marry. Thankfully, God changed Wayne’s plans and he stayed in school for a year more, which meant he was willing to date me.
We started dating in May 1998, and by the middle July, we were engaged. We got married 6 months later (January 1999). I had just turned 20 and Wayne was as 22 when we were married. Wayne graduated a few months after we got married.
I took a semester off of school while he finished, and then he went to work and I finished my bachelors degree. A few months before I finished school, Wayne came to me and told me he wanted to go to Bible college. He said he knew more about the IRS code being an accountant than the Bible. He wanted to be a good spiritual leader in our home, and I knew more about the Bible than he did. He also wanted to be able to teach Sunday School or be an elder one day in church (both of which he accomplished).
So in August 2001, we packed a moving truck and moved across the country to Chicago.
It was during our time in Chicago that we made lifelong friendships. Although I hated every winter (coming from California where winter meant 50s and rain), God used our time in Chicago in so many ways. Our time at Moody was such a blessing and we have friends from that time that are so special to us. Wayne and I developed many friendships from our years working as accountants. We also had great neighbors, some that are like family to us, and amazing church families that we couldn't live without.
Over the last about 9,500 days, Wayne and I have grown up together and made so many memories. We started our beautiful family; traveled the country spending hours talking about everything from the Bible to silly things that don’t matter; served on mission trips together; moved across the country; hiked, biked, ran races; remodeled homes; completed home projects; date nights at home when we had a million young kids and no family around; took dancing lessons and stepped on each other’s toes; laughed, cried, made inside jokes no one else gets; late night conversations as we cuddled; camped; fought and made up; started learning Chinese together; chopped wood; raked leaves and jumped in them; homeschooled our kids; started, ran and sold a business; stargazing; dreaming together; lots of hugs and time together since our love languages were time and touch; dates with the kids; family game nights and movie nights on a sheet in the living room; and so many more things we’ve been able to celebrate over the years. Because God gave Wayne extra time, we got to see two daughters married and Wayne met our first granddaughter!! We’ve been gifted with time, something we will forever be grateful for. 10 extra years with Wayne, 10 years of more memories, 10 years to pour into our kids, 10 years to point others to Christ.
So although my heart and spirit feel the grief of losing my other half, I am choosing to focus on all the amazing things we’ve been able to do together, especially the last 10 years. I am also going to keep sharing Wayne’s sermons that he preached before his cancer. Hearing his voice and his passion for Jesus reminds me of all the wonderful years we have had together. His death will just be a temporary separation. One day we will look back and this momentary affliction will pale in comparison to eternity!
I’ve said it many times, if you do not have a relationship with Jesus (or know what that even means) or aren’t sure what happens after you die, email me at harderfamilyquestions@gmail.com. Also, if you have any special memories or things to share about Wayne with our kids, please email us at that email too.
Please continue to pray for us as we navigate this difficult time. We had a wonderful visit with Wayne's parents, his brother, and his sister and her husband. Saying goodbye is never easy.
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