My Dearest Wayne,
Somehow we have managed to walk through two months without you. It feels like forever since I have seen you, touched you, and talked with you…yet I know it has only been two months. Time seems like a weird space to exist in. Some days I just remind myself to breathe and that you would encourage me to get up and keep going. Today, as I drove to work, I remembered all the times I drove you places the last few years. You would hold my hand and smile…I miss that so much! I cried the whole way to Lexington thinking of you. I know you are living your best life, but I miss your huge, loving presence in my life. I’m doing my best to live each moment for Jesus, just like you did.
You’d be proud of me. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and met a whole bunch of strangers last weekend. The weird thing is they started out as strangers, and after two days with them, I left with friends and sisters in Christ who understand what this awful new stage is like. It’s crazy to meet other young women alone because cancer took their beloved husbands as well.
I know I’m not alone! God has been carrying us and taking care of us. Every time I start to worry about something, God reminds me that He has us in His hands. It’s been pretty amazing to see God work and move. But man, I wish you were here with us. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real, but when reality settles in my chest, that is when the breathing gets harder and the tears start to uncontrollably fall. After a few minutes, I wipe my eyes and continue living. Just as we talked about before, I will keep living for Jesus and loving our children until God is done with me here and takes me home. What a beautiful homecoming that will be…
The kids gave me a cold, so I miss your comforting words and touch right now even more. You know me, I hate being sick and your touch made everything feel a little better. Life feels off kilter now without you. But I see you in the little ways…things around the house that remind me of you, in the kid’s words and actions…you are missed and are loved. But how can we even compare to the glorious experience you have now? But as thrilled as I am for you, I just really miss you.
I miss being able to bounce ideas and decisions with you. Since you died, so many decisions have to be made each day. It’s looking like I may have different options for work, but I’m praying for wisdom to know what is best for our kids and me as we navigate this whole new, unknown road. Sometimes I can almost hear your words of encouragement to keep going and keep my eyes above the sun. Speaking of which, our Precepts study on Ecclesiastes is almost over. I know why you loved that book so much. The timing was impeccable!! So many good reminders in that book for my life right now.
Well, I know you are probably busy hanging out with David and Peter as you worship Jesus. Just know that I love you and I miss you so much. I never knew it would hurt this much to miss you…but that is because you loved me so well. I love you to infinity and beyond! Wish I could give you an Eskimo kiss ❤️
Love your wife and best friend!
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