Today has been a day where I have to remind myself at times to just breathe. It hasn’t been the whole day, but this evening a huge grief wave hit…enough to feel the wind knocked out of me. I was spending some time reading The Sermons of Behold Your God and then I was journaling a little. The grief suddenly hit out of the blue. I knew it had been building because I have had to deal with some hard things this past week. Never ending paperwork and decision making…it’s overwhelming at times. I just miss Wayne so much! Making decisions and doing some hard things isn’t new, I had to do a lot of that the past three years. The difference is Wayne was here to hug me and encourage me. Now I’m all alone. Everything just feels harder and more difficult without his encouraging words and touch.
I have found getting up is challenging. Sleep is eluding me at night. I’m exhausted, and yet I just toss and turn. Music sometimes helps, but many times I turn the tv on just to have noise on to quiet my mind.
Don’t get me wrong, God has been giving me some amazing days and has placed some people in my life to encourage me. I’m looking for the things each day to be thankful for, which are many. But I can’t ignore the aching in my heart of missing my person. I feel lost without him and I’m trying to just make it through each day. I’m no longer a caregiver, no longer a wife, lost my best friend…my identity has changed. But then I remind myself I am still a child of God, I’m still a mother, a Gigi, a friend, a sister in Christ. I am still Rebecca, I just have to figure out what that looks like going forward. And it makes me feel all kinds of emotions because I don’t like having to let go of some of my old roles and titles.
God is good, despite all the hard. I choose to trust and walk in faith, even though this valley of death is terrible, I know He is with me.
So, I will share one of the good things God allowed this week in the middle of all the hard. Micaela and I volunteered at a Rend Collective concert and we were able to meet the group before the concert. Really nice, down to earth guys and their music was amazing! Worshiping with others was powerful and just blessed my socks off. I always feel like worship services like that are a little taste and glimpse of heaven…which now makes me feel closer to God and remind me Wayne is up there in person worshiping the same God!
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