Harder Family

Harder Family

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Enough Faith?

Hebrews 11:1-3 "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." 

A huge praise! Wayne's MRI came back clear again. We are so thankful for another clear scan...another four months of not thinking about brain cancer. But as we celebrate this news, I'm also reminded of some things that have been on my mind. I was going to write a blog post about it, and then my friend wrote a Facebook post that really spoke what was on my heart. So, instead of trying to write what my thoughts have been, I received permission from her to share what she wrote (I did delete their names for their privacy. Below is her post, which clearly communicates what has been on my heart and the daily struggle we face as a family.


"Now, I seem to have a new ability to 'do this'. Maybe it's because my dear college friend just died from this. I don't know. Anyway, as a family who has strong faith in God, we too hear all the time that people are praying for healing. I too hear, 'We have a miracle working God'. And we do. But I was far better served by a therapist who looked me square in the eyes and said, '____, ______ is going to die.' It suddenly set me free. Free to grieve, free to feel all the feels. Free to prepare. It seems like EVERYONE else refuses to acknowledge that he might even die of this. It's all about how we are praying for healing. I get that, and TRUST ME...with 11 kids, NOBODY wants my husband around more than me!! I have come to realize that we are currently living in the healing they are all praying for. Apart from Jesus coming back: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! Why is everyone afraid of that? Do they think that they will jinx this if they do NOT talk about praying for healing?

As wives of GBM...no, wives to dear husbands with GBM...we live in a braided reality: grateful for all we have had so far, grateful for the 'heads up' that time is short (I always think of sudden death and how they never get the prep time we have) but also each moment is woven with grief. As we savor a moment, we are simultaneously closer to the moment when it all comes shrieking to an end. We are doubly conscious of what is in the happy moment and what lurks like a black dragon just out of sight, always ready to pounce. We never know. That is a tough place to be. And tougher to try and communicate that to people who aren't in this reality.

I do not want to chastise people for praying for healing. I am currently enjoying the healing they ask for! However, I think it terribly hurts people's faith when they say we NEED to have more faith for healing...for when our beloved does die of this, then we are left feeling guilty that WE were not enough. We had too little faith. Somehow on top of it all, WE failed. No, no, no! That is wrong and deeply hurtful. Jesus said if you have faith the size of a mustard seed. He chose that seed because it is so extremely tiny. It is no more faith that we need. Perhaps it is to fall into the arms of a loving MIGHTY God who makes choices we do not and cannot understand. It takes faith to do THAT!

I believe when we are in heaven we will NOT sit around and ask, 'So, how'd you get here?' If my _____ dies of GBM, I am at peace with that (yet I dread the actual dying days). I will die too. Each of my children will. I am okay with that. Perhaps it's the walk of cancer that helps us think on these topics and those who have not cannot even utter the possibility that our dear men may die.

I have a friend who recently lost her husband to leukemia. She talk to me in terms of, 'When ____ dies this or that...' It is hard, but it is real. I crave real. I do not want platitudes. I do not want 'but maybe he's the ONE who will be healed of this! You never know!!!' They like to chime. Why is that so annoying?

I'm in love with my man of 22+ years and how much fun we are having. He is home permanently on disability and we are laughing and making memories. He is forgetting things and frustrated. We cry often, but I think this is how we do this. Our family is forced to live in the tension of deep gratitude all the while knowing the dragon of brain cancer looms. We can't see when it's coming for him, but we know that the cancer dragon is being held back by the One who holds all things together. We know that one day ____ will be called to his eternal home and his role as shepherd over our family will come to a close. So for now, we savor. We weep. We laugh. We dance. We snuggle. We pray."


Prayer Requests:

1. Please continue to pray for my friends who have lost their loved ones to brain cancer...Lynnie and Mary to just name a few.

2. Pray for our trip out west as we visit family. The boys will be meeting Wayne's family for the first time. Pray that we are able to make lots of memorable memories with the kids. 

Thank you to everyone that continues to pray for us! Your prayers are helping "hold back the cancer dragon". We love all of you!