Psalm 34:17-19 "When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."
*Bear with me as I blog tonight. I have had a lot on my heart and mind. This is a way for me to process and document for my kids all that God has done and is doing in our lives.*
Life is hard. Can anyone relate? I am thankful for God who has carried me and also for people who are in my life who have walked along side me in the difficult days. But to be honest, it isn't just days, but weeks and months that have been difficult. I think that I have been experiencing compassion fatigue and caregiver burnout. I met with my counselor on Thursday. Thankfully, none of the kids were available to meet with her, so that allowed me the freedom to go and work through some really hard feelings and thoughts that I have been struggling with the last few weeks. Once we started talking, I realized that I had not fully processed the last year. We concluded that I have been in survival mode.
There was a lot to unpack and work through. Honestly, I don't think that I'm anywhere near understanding or processing through all the emotions, feelings, and thoughts. As she reminded me, I have been through the wringer. It isn't normal to have a terminal spouse, which leads to so many different feelings such as anticipatory grief, fear, denial, resentment. On top of that, she pointed out that it was humanly impossible to try to process how hard it was for me to be a full-time caregiver while going through my own cancer treatments. As I look back on the last 12 months, I know that it was people's prayers that carried me through those difficult days...there is no other explanation. I can vividly remember being so exhausted from chemo and yet having to dress and care for Wayne. Under normal circumstances, he would have been my caregiver on those difficult days. Instead, I would have to drag myself out of bed and muster all the energy I could to care for him.
Looking back, it is hard not to feel that it has all been unfair and hard. I am so thankful for God's mercy and grace that He poured out on me, and for the hope of heaven. Some days, if it weren't for my kids, I'd just tell the Lord I'm ready to go home and not have to do life because it is just that hard. Some days that pain and grief is so deep, it's hard to breathe.
In the midst of all the hard, God shows up...both in big and little ways. On Sunday, I was feeling particularly weary. It was probably a culmination of many things: I was exhausted from preparing for Abigail's shower all week, I was juggling some fears, and I also had spent some time listening to one of Wayne's old sermons from when he filled in years ago at church. As I sat there listening, it hit me just how much we have lost of Wayne over the years. After his first surgery, he recovered pretty well, but we lost some of his personality and he was just different. But since his surgery 19 months ago, we have lost a lot: his ability to clearly communicate, strength on his right side, his ability to drive and do things around the house. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for every day I have with him, but that doesn't make those days easy. Here is where God showed up for me on Sunday. I reached out to my friend Amy, who lost her sweet husband over three years ago to brain cancer. I was able to honestly communicate with her about some of these things and she understood 100%. I felt hard and validated in my feelings. It helped remove some of the weight I had been feeling about everything.
I also know it isn't an accident that in my Precepts class that we are currently studying 1 Peter. I believe the overarching theme of 1 Peter is how to stand firm when experiencing trials, which is such a timely reminder for me. When I am feeling depleted, like I have been in recent days, I have to immerse myself in God's Word. I remind myself of who God is, what He has done for me, who I am in Him, and that He has a sovereign plan that I can trust. I don't know how long we have with Wayne, or how long my cancer will stay away, and sometimes that can instill great fear in my heart. Instead of focusing on those fears, I have to surrender them to Jesus, take one step at a time, and just make the most of the life that God has given us at this time...be intentional.
Update: Wayne
Wayne continues to work hard on his therapies. He walked 3/4 of a mile without his cane this week! He also has ventured around the neighborhood. He is working hard on his walking so he is strong to walk Abigail down the aisle. He has a few appointments this next week. We meet with his palliative care team on Monday after his therapies, a physical on Wednesday, and more therapy on Thursday. The following week, he will have a Telehealth appointment with his oncology team at Northwestern.
Wayne went with Sophia today to get her oil changed and get her tires replaced. She was his chauffeur and he was her guide with the mechanical stuff.
Update: Rebecca
I have my next infusion and oncology followup this Friday. I will be putting a lot of miles on my car driving back and forth to Lexington this week! I cannot believe that it has been six weeks since my last appointment. Time has been flying!
Update: Family
Joella and Micaela were a HUGE blessing last week. I may have mentioned it before, but they gave of their fall break to 1) help me sort and process donations for NC/TN and 2) they helped me decorate for Abigail's shower. Joella and my friend Rhonda helped build the balloon arch. I never knew how much work went into those!
We were able to spend the weekend with our new family (Elijah's mom and sister). We had a blast with them and had a long game of dominoes.
Micaela and Sophia went to a party with their friends last weekend. They went as Mario and Luigi. Sophia had Micaela be Luigi since he is taller than Mario.
Naomi is in Nashville for the next few days with Inheritance of Hope.
The beautiful bride to be. Only 49 more days to go!
Prayer Requests:
- Wayne: for his appointments this week to all go well.
- Rebecca: for my infusion this week - that my veins to stay strong! Please also pray for me as I juggle everything from caregiving, to my own health, the wedding, and being a mom.
- Abigail: for all her wedding plans to come together and for her work
- Naomi: as she serves her family in Nashville, that she will be a blessing to them. She also is preparing for two different mission trips (more to come about that soon). So if you have a job you need help with, she is raising money for her trips.
- Grace, Sophia, Shan, Micaela, Joella: for school
We love and appreciate all of you. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, we couldn't have done the last few years without all of your prayers. Thank you for being our Aaron and Hur (Exodus 17).
