Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Pre-MRI Jitters

Isaiah 12:2 "Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation."

If I'm completely honest, tomorrow's MRI scares me. Every time we get ready to do this, I get nervous. I know God is sovereign and I know that He has this in His hands, but sometimes it is hard to get my head knowledge to match what my heart is feeling. I guess in light of hearing so many bad stories with GBM, I'm just tainted and I keep wondering when the ball is going to drop (hopefully I used the right analogy...I'm notorious for getting sayings mixed up). 

Today I realized that deep down I was nervous. It came to my attention when I realized how I've been keeping myself extra busy the last few days. I've been doing extra school projects with the girls and I've had the cleanest house (more then one reason for this, but I'll explain that another time). I think I've been staying busy to not think about "what ifs". Again, I know all the theological facts about God and I've seen them lived out in my life, but it is so hard to rest in that. Instead of being a Martha, who is busy running around, I should be more like Mary, who sat at Jesus' feet and just listened to Him. How much more peace would I be experiencing now if I would just lean on Him? Why do we battle letting go and trusting God 100%? Maybe it's just me, I don't know. It's something I've been battling with since Wayne's diagnosis in February.  I'll have good spells where I am confident and at peace, and then other times of desperate worrying about the future.

I am currently doing a Bible study by Kay Arthur called "Lord I Want to Know You". It is on the names of God. Last week we studied God's name El Elyon, the Most High God. He is sovereign and fully in control. Once again, it was perfect timing by God to orchestrate things in my life. It was a message that resonated in my heart. I needed to hear again how God is in control. Despite the outcome of our situation, God has a plan in place for our lives and one that brings Him the most glory. The hard part is resting in that plan and trusting God regardless of the outcome. God never promised us perfect lives free from suffering. All He promised us is the knowledge that He is sovereign and that He is always by our side.

On the way home from church tonight, the girls started talking about Wayne's MRI. It is weird to see them each process everything so differently. Many times we make jokes about the cancer as a family, that may be a bad way to deal with it, I don't know, but it helps relieve some of the stress that cancer brings into your life. You can see each one processing it differently. Abigail prayed at dinner that they wouldn't find anything in Wayne's brain, Grace made jokes about it, Sophia ponders the depths of "why", and Micaela announced in the car tonight that "I want to poke my eyes out from this death conversation". Somehow the girls started talking about how they would want to die in their sleep vs being hit by a car...which came about when someone said something about how Wayne could die from cancer. Sophia piped in, "Well, I could be smashed by a car tomorrow". Yes, fun conversations to navigate around here. We do our best to be transparent with the girls and to answer their questions, but sometimes it is hard. It's hard and sad to hear conversations between your kids like these: "I hope Papa is around when I have kids", "I hope Papa is alive to walk me down the aisle", "Do you think Papa will be alive for my next birthday?". God has been so good to us throughout this whole ordeal. I know that He won't leave our side. I know He has our daughters in His hands and has a plan for their lives as well. As Isaiah said, God is my strength and my song. I will choose to rest and find peace in God tonight and not fear what tomorrow may bring. God is sovereign and I will rest in His perfect plan.


Some pictures from week 3 of school:

Science experiment about light - we tried to get this paper to catch on fire from the magnifying glass, but it didn't want to participate. I tried for 30 minutes and finally gave up. We still learned a lot from it. At one point the paper looked like it was changing colors, but I now wonder if it was my eyes after looking at the paper for 30 minutes.

Keeping the "little" ones busy while we did our work.

We found a dead cicada and decided to study it under our magnifying glass. You never want to pass up a learning opportunity.

Grace and Naomi working on English grammar and diagramming sentences

Spontaneous recess/art break while the "tablets" were baking

We made cuneiform tablets from sugar cookie dough after studying Mesopotamia/Fertile Crescent today for History.

Our tablets after they came out of the "brick kiln"

Grace decided to "doodle" while we read history. She drew this map of Africa just looking at the map on the wall. I love all the vibrant colors she used.

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