Harder Family

Harder Family

Friday, October 11, 2019

MRI Day: Scanxiety and Results

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

This morning was Wayne's MRI. I noticed this week that I was struggling with patience and everything seemed really big. Have you ever experienced that? Something that would normally feel small suddenly feels like a giant? That is how last week felt. One morning during my quiet time, God showed me that under the surface, I was feeling anxious about Wayne's upcoming MRI. I thought I was doing okay with everything. I even tell people I have faith and trust God with the future, but in reality, in the depths of my heart, I struggle with fear sometimes. Fear of the future without my husband, fear of the unknown. Some people call the week before the MRI the week of scanxiety time. I can attest that it is a daily battle to surrender my trust to God and not allow fear to rule. 

This morning on the drive to Northwestern, I had to once again surrender the fears that were swirling in my mind. Since we had overlapping appointments, I had to take Shan Chen to his prosthetic appointment while Wayne went to his MRI and neuroncology appointment alone. Two hours later, when my phone finally rang, I have to admit that I held my breath waiting to hear the news from Wayne. When he told me it was another clear scan, I felt like I could finally breathe. Daily surrender to trust. We are all called to do that, but sometimes it takes "BIG" things in our lives to force us to take this step. 

I hate to admit that too many times I take for granted each day that I have with Wayne. Every four months, I am reminded of this truth. I am also reminded each time we hear of someone else passing away from brain cancer. When I answer someone's questions about "how we've made it this long and what is the secret", I have to tell them there is no secret. For some reason, God has allowed us to continue on this journey, while others journeys have ended. I will share what we have done, but I don't think it is what we have done that keeps Wayne here. It is because God isn't done using Wayne yet and He has some other plan for our lives. We just have to daily live fully surrendered to Him and not waste a moment of this life that He has given us. 

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