Update 12/31/25: New Year

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

With everyone talking about the New Year, I’ve been pondering what this next year is going to look like and what I should try to focus on. I don’t mean worrying about this year, but how to be as intentional as possible to carry on the work Wayne and I started in our marriage. How to keep running the race with endurance now that I lost my running partner and cheerleader. How to keep faithfully pointing the kids to the Lord in the middle of our grief - to keep reminding them of who He is and how His plan can be trusted. 

Thinking about a new year, without Wayne, has led to many tears. I keep reminding myself one day at a time. Reminders of him are all over the house. We have found some things to laugh about. We joke that Wayne must be looking down shaking his head wondering how we could “fall apart” so quickly. Saturday night, we got a puppy. We were calling it our emotional support dog, and truly she is just that for the kids. The smiles on their faces are worth the extra work. Wayne wasn’t an huge dog guy, but he did honor his word and got the kids Bo (our standard poodle). Moana is one of puppies we fell in love with when we went for multiple visits to play with puppies. 

Also, today a sweet gift came in the mail-wind chimes (thank you to whoever send them). I love them, Wayne hated wind chimes. He’s probably wondering what in the world is going on in our home. Every time I hear them chime, it actually makes me think of Wayne. My mom mentioned it’s a great way to remember he’s up in heaven worshiping God…making a joyful noise like the wind chimes are. 

We have talked as a family and have made some loose plans for this next year. That means we have some plans, but we know God can change our direction. Wayne’s last request was for our family to travel west to see his cousin get married. So, we will honor that and visit friends and family along the way. I’m sure the road trip will be filled with amazing memories, but also some sorrow since road trips were Wayne’s favorite. Get him behind the wheel and hours of open road, and that was one of his happy places. 

We also plan on making some trips east to visit Abigail, Elijah and Ruth. Later in the summer, I might even take the kids to the NE to visit a couple states they are missing and show them where Wayne and I went for our anniversary. I think it is therapeutic for them to experience some new things while also remembering fun memories with Wayne. The last few months, and especially weeks, were super hard on all of us. 

We will continue to take lots of pictures, be intentional, and make new memories. Our goal will be to keep moving forward while treasuring all the memories we’ve made as a family with Wayne. I know Wayne wouldn’t want us to get stuck in grief. He’d want us to grieve and process all our emotions, but not get stuck there. A counselor years ago told me that you can’t drive a car looking in your rear view mirror the whole time. I think that applies here too. Each of us will move forward one step at a time. 

Wayne poured into all of us and we are who we are today because of Jesus and how He used Wayne in our lives. I look back to when I first married Wayne and I was a shy, introvert. Over the years, our personalities blended to create who we are today: Wayne helped pull me out of my shell more and I rubbed off on him because he developed a better filter. If you knew him before, you know what I mean. I often wonder if Wayne and Peter are up in heaven talking about the times they put their foot in their mouth. 

This year will be filled with so many changes. Not only getting used to Wayne not being around, but Sophia and Shan will start college, and Lord willing in the fall, I’ll be looking for a full time job. I haven’t worked full time outside the home since I was pregnant with Abigail. 

My word for 2026 is trust. God has already showed up in so many ways since Wayne died to remind me that I’m His child and He is going to take care of me and the kids. I am choosing to trust Him and not fret about all the little things that could easily overwhelm me. Although our blog was started to share with the kids how God worked in our lives during Wayne’s cancer (and later mine), I’m going to keep blogging to show them how God cares for us during this time as well.

Update 12/28/25: First Firsts

Matthew 6:34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Today was another first. Friday was my first night sleeping with Wayne in heaven. Today was my first Sunday back in church without Wayne by my side. I’m thankful for my friends Sue and Kristy who sat with me to make the morning easier. I love going to church and being with others, so that helped, but I sure missed Wayne grabbing my hand or me having to poke him when he would doze off from his medicine. 

After church, some friends invited us to go on a hike since it was 70 degrees today. It was a beautiful day on the trails and it gave me a break from some of the yucky adult things I have to do this next week. 

It was wonderful to see the girls smiling, laughing and enjoying themselves. We are learning to find joy in the midst of the hard. Tears will spring up and odd times, but God is sustaining us. 

Naomi is on her way to her mission trip. We will miss her, but I love that she is following the Lord in obedience. Wayne had told her no matter what happened, she was to go on the trip this year. I know that she will have an amazing support group around her while she is gone.

Sophia took time today after church to stop alone at Wayne’s gravesite to bring flowers and process through her grief. I’m proud of each of my kids and how they are facing this crappy trial with such grace. Your prayers are carrying us!

This evening, I’m back to working on Wayne’s service and other logistics. None of this is easy to accomplish and some of it is complicated. Praying for wisdom as I take steps each day and trust tomorrow to Jesus!

Update 12/27/25: God Winks

Psalm 139:17-18 “How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.”

https://www.scobeefuneralhome.com/obituaries/Wayne-Leon-Harder?obId=46792207

January 17 at 10am will be Wayne’s celebration of life at Grace Baptist Church in Winchester, KY. We will be live streaming it for those who cannot make it.

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God cares about the little things in our lives, because He loves and cares about us. The past 40 hours have been difficult on our family, and yet we have felt Jesus carrying us each step. The kids and I were discussing how it feels like we are in a nightmare that you can’t wake up from one moment, and the next it feels like Wayne is just gone for the day. It is so surreal that he is not coming back. 

To help with the grief, I’m going to document all the little ways God shows up for us and points us back to Him. I will share them with you, to point you back to him too! We may be facing different trials or hard times, but God is still the same.

The first God wink happened last night when I was trying to fall asleep (which is hard to do just hours after losing the love of your life). A sweet friend, that I met in China while we were adopting our boys, reached out to me. She told me that God woke her up at 6:15am. She said her heart was heavy for us and she prayed for us. She was surrounding me in prayer as Wayne was taking his last breath. Today I heard from another friend who said the same thing. God knew what was going on and knew that I needed the prayers of others to help me through that moment of losing Wayne. I felt a sweet hug from God last night as I went to sleep…even though Wayne’s spot in bed was empty. 

The reality of it all hit today when we buried Wayne. He always wanted to be buried in a pine box like scenes from the western movies he loved to watch. He also didn’t want to be embalmed, so that meant he had to buried quickly. A friend from church had made Wayne his coffin two years ago when we thought Wayne was dying. I had never seen the coffin until today. It was beautifully crafted and fit Wayne so well. At the burial, we had another God wink. It was cloudy all day today, but the minute we dropped Wayne’s casket into the ground, the sky burst open and sun radiated down on us. You can actually see the progression in the pictures below. The sky was shining down on Wayne’s casket and then you see the clouds roll away. It was as if God was reminding us that Wayne is in the presence of Light of the World and we can celebrate his going home. It was beauty in the midst of pain! Isn’t that the way God works though? It’s usually during the trials and difficulties in life that we grow closer to Him and He shows up in big ways.

I’m so thankful for this woman here. She is my best friend and has been here during some of the hardest times in my life. She even let us live with her for a couple months. I’m so blessed to have her in my life. Grace helped us finish this puzzle. It was a great distraction for me. I find that I’m trying to stay distracted so I don’t have to think all the time about Wayne. I see him everywhere I look in be house. 

I’m going to miss my other distraction (aka emotional support baby). Abigail and her family left today after the burial. 

God knew that our family would need the Kreiders here. They arrived the night before Wayne died. I have loved hearing laughter and excitement coming from my living room. The kids needed their best friends here to help them through this time.

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We appreciate all the prayers! I know the prayers are keeping us going. We have been reminiscing through videos and photos. It’s amazing to find joy in the sorrow…but it’s there because of Jesus and the hope He brings our souls. Our days may feel fragile and short, but they are held in strong, eternal hands of the One who made all things and knows us by name. Tomorrow may feel uncertain, but I can frustrate Jesus with each day. I know He will carry us! 

Thank you to everyone who has stepped up to help us, it’s been overwhelming and we can feel your love. I do have a couple prayer requests, because everything just feels extra heavy now: Joella has an MRI Tuesday for what they think is a cyst on her foot, please pray it’s something simple they can surgically remove. The following Tuesday, I have a follow up CT scan for my cancer. I postponed it because of all the things that we were dealing with Wayne. I’d appreciate extra prayers that it is all clear. I have now transitioned into the survivorship stage where I will be seen every 3 months for two years and then every six months for three years. It’s a little extra scary now that Wayne is gone. Please pray for peace with this as well. 

Update 12/26/25: Yahweh

John 11:25-26 “Jesus said, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in Me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in Me shall never die…”

1 Corinthians 15:55-57 “Where, o death, is your victory? Where, o death is your sting?…But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

I heard before about how God’s name YHWH sounds like breathing. I couldn’t remember how it exactly went, so I found this. 

“Scholars and rabbis say the letters ‘YHWH’ represent breathing sounds or aspirated consonants. When pronounced without vowels, it sounds like breathing: YH (inhale), WH (exhale). A baby’s first cry, their first breath, speaks the name of God. A deep sigh, groan, or gasp calls His name, too heavy for mere words. Likewise, a person leaves this earth with their last breath when God’s name no longer fills their lungs.”

At 6:45am this morning, Wayne Leon Harder breathed out YHWH and met his Savior, Jesus Christ, face to face. The Holy Spirit woke me up around 6 and I felt a premonition that I needed to see Wayne. My friend, Kim, had stayed with him overnight. I told her she could leave since I was up. Shan and I were talking and we saw his eye open a little. I went to him and whispered that I loved him and that angels would be coming to bring him home to Jesus. I reminded him that he’d soon be all healed and to say hello to my Opa and my cousin Cori. Heaven just got even more sweeter. 3 of my favorite men are now in heaven. 

We are heartbroken and sad at our loss, but know that he gained complete healing and is with Jesus and at peace. Please continue to pray for us as we navigate this new chapter in our lives.

We will be having a celebration of life January 17th at 10am at Grace Baptist Church in Winchester, KY.

Update 12/25/25: Christmas

Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.” 

Christmas looks different this year. I find myself just taking things slow and not worried about all the little things I normally try to do. We are keeping many traditions to make sure the kids can enjoy this bitter-sweet time. Thanks to some friends from church, the kids and I were able to attend the Christmas Eve service at church. That was a balm our souls. Church on-line isn't the same as being in person. There is something sweeter about being able to fellowship with other believers in person.

After church, we came home and made our traditional pizza for dinner, read the Christmas story around Wayne’s bed (he normally reads Luke 2 to the family-this year Shan, David, Elijah all read it), and we opened presents. Naomi baked cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning. Throughout all of this, I found myself just treasuring all these moments. Life goes by too quickly and we need to just stop and enjoy being with family. 

This sweet face and snuggles with her is a wonderful distraction.

Wayne continues to hang in there. His vital signs are still pretty good. I have decided that death is a terrible process to watch. I’m thankful for medicine that allows him to be comfortable as he goes through this process, but it is awful to see your loved one go through this. I want to remember the old Wayne, so I’m sharing the next part of his sermon series on Ecclesiastes.

We are so thankful for everyone who has been praying for us!! We also want to thank our church for putting together a meal train and my sister for putting a gofund me together to help with extra nursing help for Wayne. Those who have stepped up to help us, you’ll never know what a gift you are and how it blesses us. We are truly thankful for all of you!