Exodus 16:4 "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day."
The past few days have been bittersweet. My emotions feel like a roller coaster! Joy and excitement over the upcoming wedding and birthday celebrations, but deep pain and sorrow with seeing Wayne decline. The reality of what is coming really hit the other day. Thankfully, I had a counseling appointment already scheduled and that really helped. My counselor gave me a book called "Tear Soup". It was a little silly, but filled with so much truth about grief and tears. I don't know if it's the book's fault or just the accumulation of emotions, but I couldn't stop crying at church today. I felt like a hot mess. I'm not usually one to cry in public, but I just couldn't stop.
A friend who has experienced the loss of her husband, reminded me the other day to enjoy every moment and not to fret about the future. I am trying to take the wisdom to heart, but it is hard when Wayne keeps telling me new things that are occurring.
My mom also wrote me the other day and reminded me that I just need manna for today, which perfectly aligns with Matthew 6:34 where we are told not to worry about tomorrow. But the word picture of manna spoke deeper to me. I have always been a planner and like to have back up plans to the back up plan (IYKYK). Unfortunately, the last 10+ years since Wayne was first diagnosed, that has gone out the window. But I find myself thinking about where will I find a job, how will I juggle kids and a job, do I need to do "x", how will I do "Y"? When my mom sent me that line, it hit. God has always taken care of us and provided everything we need. Not that I can just sit back and expect everything to be done without me lifting a finger, but God has always taken care of us. Just as He provided exactly what the Israelites needed in the desert each day with their daily food, He will take care of us too. Jesus is our daily bread!
Here is a poem that my mom wrote about this daily manna - she is so talented and just came up with this on a whim!
Manna for the Day: Jannetje Anita Thomas
God tells us don't look forward,
with worries and with fears.
He says don't keep on living,
the hurts or times of tears.
What Jesus said about each hour
and all that comes our way,
is God has only promised
Manna for today.
God gives us:
Manna for today,
manna only for the day
The strength He had given
It is manna for today
The strength for livin'
The Israelites who wandered
Through a barren desert land.
Questioned God's great goodness
And didn't understand.
For Egypt they were longing,
And asked for more to eat.
The anger and the questions,
Filled them with defeat.
BUT,
God gave them:
Manna for today,
manna only for the day
His bread is daily given
It is manna for today
The strength we need for livin'
Wayne Update:
So where are we with Wayne? He is still pushing through, but he can feel himself getting weaker each day.
He has informed me that after the wedding, he will go in a wheelchair to keep himself from falling and hurting himself. We spoke with his oncologist on Friday evening. He suggested that Wayne take a low dose of steroids to give him some extra strength until the wedding. Wayne has always said that he didn't want to go on steroids, because he has been around this world long enough to see that it just puts off the inevitable. BUT, he wants to be his best for Davis and Grace, so he is taking it for the two weeks and then will get off of it. Each day it is hard to hear him express other things that are harder to do or things he is unable to do on his own anymore.
We are constantly talking over everything with the kids to help prepare them. But how do you really prepare yourself for someone to die? Anticipatory grief is real and we have all had moments of it the past few days. It seems like each worsening or new symptom causes more tears and grief. But, we will choose to focus on the manna for the day that God gives us and not worry about tomorrow...because God has that in His hands.
So, to remember and celebrate Wayne before brain cancer, I will start sharing another sermon series he preached between 2010-2014 on the book of Ecclesiastes. The plan is to share these over the next few weeks as I give updates on him.
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