Update 10/22/23: Miserable

Psalm 121:1-2 “I look up to the mountains and hills, longing for God’s help. But then I realize that our true help and protection is only from the Lord, our Creator who made the heavens and the earth.”

Day 2 after chemo: The side effects of chemotherapy are just miserable. To all of you who have gone before me, you are my heroes. This is not for the faint at heart. I’m not quite at the place Wayne’s cousin described, feeling like the bottom of a kitty litter box, but I’m not feeling great either. 

Yesterday, I woke up with severe tightness in my chest, much like I experienced when they gave me my chemo. I tried some Pepcid first to see if that would help, since they gave me that at the hospital. That didn’t work, so I called the doctor and they told me to try Benadryl. She said if that didn’t help, go to the ER. Well, I waited and waited, and it didn’t get better, so off to the ER I went. Thankfully, after 2 EKGs, an X-ray, and CT scan to rule out blood clots, they gave me an anti inflammatory shot, which absolutely worked!

This morning I woke up with a sore spot in my throat, achy joints, a headache, and just overall malaise. Nothing really sounds good, except sour dough bread. I have been forcing myself to drink my nutrient rich broth I made, but it just churns my stomach. 

I did discover a delicious healing tea in my cookbook The Cancer Fighting Kitchen. I just finished making it and it made my morning. It tastes a lot like chai tea, without the tea. I think I will be drinking a lot of this tea the next few months. 

The highlights of my days are Wayne and my children. I love having Grace home with us for a week. Life keeps marching on around me and I’m doing my best to stay attentive to all of them, while allowing myself to rest too. 

The kids were all glad to have me back after my trip to the ER. 

I would appreciate lots of prayers for the next couple days as the chemo is supposed to hit the worse. Thanks for walking by our side through these terrible times. Despite all the pain and misery, we are comforted by knowing so many of you are praying for us and that God has a purpose and a plan!

10/20/23: Crazy Chemo

 Psalm 34:15,17-19 “The Lord sees all we do; He watches over His friends day and night. His godly ones receive the answers they seek whenever they cry out to Him… Yet when holy lovers of God cry out to Him with all their hearts, the Lord will hear them and come to rescue them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain, and He is always ready to restore the repentant one. Even when bad things happen to the good and godly ones, the Lord will save them and not let them be defeated by what they face.”

This morning was the beginning of my first chemo infusion. I was about 15 minutes late due to a few factors (making my breakfast and not getting up early enough, plus some commute traffic). From the first moment I met my nurse, I loved her. She was so sweet and reassuring. 

Do you ever feel like God doesn’t see you? I know I have had periods in my life where I felt overlooked by God. But friends, let me tell you, He sees you and He longs to be known by you! El Roi is the Hebrew word used to describe God as the one who sees. I just want to testify how much God sees and how He provided everything I needed, which is another name given to God…Jehovah Jireh. 

I know I have referred to the tapestry poem by Corrie ten Boom which describes that God is weaving a story through history and also a story of our lives. But today God showed me something else, how He weaves people into our lives, sometimes months before you need it, because it’s part of the beautiful story He is weaving in our lives. 

Here is another example in my life that demonstrates that God knows what we need, and when we need it. My nurse today, Becky, not only shared the same first name with me (Rebecca), she lives in Winchester, and we share many of the same friends. Tonight we discovered that her son’s girlfriend, who attends Liberty with a student population on campus around 16,000, knows Abigail! They were on the same sister hall their first year of college. You cannot tell me all of these things are by chance. I believe God ordained and directed each person in my life along this journey.

Becky was the best nurse a newbie could have. She explained things to me in such a clear way and reminded me that any sensations I have that I didn’t walk in with, she needs to know about them. Her smile lit up the room and you could see Jesus in her as she worked with patients. It was just amazing to see how God provided me the best nurse who helped me through this hard day. 

We started the day with my immunotherapy medicine (Jemperli). That medicine went well without any hitches. Then they started me on my pre-meds. When they put the Benadryl in my IV, that’s when things got rough for me. I got dizzy, tired, and lightheaded. They had to wheelchair me to the bathroom because I couldn’t walk at that moment. They called me a lightweight. I told them it’s a good thing I don’t drink, I think I’d pass out first drink. 🤣

Once we got that settled down a little, we started Paclitaxel. I was half conscious at this moment trying to answer questions while nodding off to sleep. I started feeling like someone placed a book on my chest and them another. I knew I didn’t feel like this when I walked in, so I told Becky. She turned off the medicine and then gave me more pre-meds (not more Benadryl). After about a half hour delay, we got back to the chemo, but at a slower pace. Finally, after over 3 hours, it was time to move on to my last chemo (Carboplatin). This infusion went well and no side effects. IV was removed and I was free to go home and ponder about all the things I need to look for from the pharmacist. The best thing about the group I’m seeing are these amazing binders that speak to my type A personality. I can easily look up symptoms I’m having and see if it warrants a call. Seriously, they have thought of everything here!

Since finishing today, I officially have made it 25% through my chemo!!! Becky warned me that Monday, which is 3 days out from the infusion, will probably be the hardest day with fatigue and not feeling well. If I’m slow to return texts, I apply in advance. 

Everyone I have talked to encouraged me to take a daily short walk or two to help with fatigue and symptoms. Tonight Wayne and I took a short 1/4 mile walk. 

The girls were glad to have me home! I’m so thankful that we had time this past week to work on some science stuff with them. Joella was studying eruptions and did the mentos and Diet Coke. Micaela’s science experiment is covering my bar. 

Prayer Requests:

- Strength for my body to overcome the chemo effects and that the chemo will kill of the cells in my body. 

- Pray that I stay hydrated and fueled for this fight. 

- Please continue to pray for Wayne. His right hand is getting stronger, but now his right leg is dragging a little again. Steps forward and steps back. 

- Please also just continue to pray for our kids since all of this is just a lot on them. Thank you to all of you taking them along places we can’t at this time!🩷

10/19/23: Ready or Not

James 5:13-15 “Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. If anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. I’d anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders if the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up…” 

On Sunday, I was blessed to have some of the leaders at church pray over me. It touched me so deeply to see the whole church come forward and pray with them. I know it’s just a small taste of all of you praying for us, but what an emotional moment that was for me. Thank you for continuing to pray for us and all the support you have given us!

Ready or not, I am approximately 13 hours from my first chemo infusion. This afternoon I met with a pharmacist and a NP to discuss all the side effects that are possible. I left that appointment feeling slightly overwhelmed. Not only did I feel bombarded with a ton of information, I found out I cannot have anyone back in the infusions with me. So, it’s going to be me and Jesus in that infusion room. Faith over fear…that is my mantra right now. 

I’m praying for a smooth ride, but this whole situation feels so daunting. I know God has been preparing me and encouraging my heart in preparation for tomorrow. Today I looked over my devotionals for tomorrow (I have quite a few now thanks to friend’s gifts) and I was stunned by what I saw. Here are titles from two of the devotionals..."Trust for Miracles" and "Liturgy for the Morning of a Medical Treatment". God is just amazing the way He orchestrates the timing of things in our lives. Who knew that on October 20th I would need to read these devotions. There is never a surprise to God!

This has been a chaotic week of appointments for me. I had a colonoscopy on Monday, which thankfully didn’t show anything at all. 

Yesterday, I met with my radiation doctor, who I really liked. He was able to explain the whole treatment plan with a little more clarity. He said the plan is to do these first 4 chemo treatments to kill off any of the bad cancer cells they found, since they like to travel. He then said that they will do about 5 weeks of radiation. The goal of that is to kill off any “roots” from the tumor that was in my pelvis. He told me that my surgeon had shaved most of it off, but like pulling out a plant, there are always roots left and the radiation goal is to kill those roots. The good news I received today was that regarding staging, everything looks good overall (not in my lymph nodes, it wasn’t found in my lymph vessels, and they haven’t spotted it anywhere else in my body). I’ll take all the positive news I can these days. 

Today at my appointment, I was informed that after radiation, they will run some more scans to see how treatment has gone so far. Depending on what we see, I will either 1) have 2 more rounds of chemo, 2) keep doing immunotherapy, or 3) go to observation mode. I’m trusting God with the results, but I would love for it to be #3. I am so thankful that Wayne and my sister Sarah could be with me at the appointments today. It helped having others there to absorb all the information we were given. 

I told a friend the other day that this whole process reminds me a lot of the feelings you have going in to have your first baby. You do all this training and classes, but until you go through it, there is no preparing for it. I figure the next few infusions will be like having subsequent babies. Now you know what to expect, but you have to mentally prepare yourself to get through it again. The bonus of child birth is you get a baby at the end as your reward. I’m praying the positive of this process is no more cancer! 

Wayne update: Wayne had been doing well. He made it through another round of his chemo. He is back to PT this week. Today we took him to a specialist to get a custom foot brace made for him to stabilize his foot/ankle. Wayne has been such a great support to me through all of this. ❤️

Meanwhile, the kids have been doing as well as they can. We are doing our best to try to keep things as normal as possible for them. I signed Joella up for an online writing class and have arranged for her to do school with some friends. Today Joella went on a field trip to Carter Caves. 

Abigail and Naomi served families with Inheritance of Hope this past weekend. I love how they have allowed God to use the hard things in their lives to minister to others. Naomi’s friend, Sarah, traveled with her. What a treasured gift Sarah is to Naomi. 

A friend suggested this cookbook to me. I’ve already made my first batch of broth to eat during the first week of chemo. It’s supposed to help my body rebuild its vitamins and minerals after treatment.

Little moments like these below make my heart so full. Joella is such a gift to us. I love watching her worship Jesus on Sunday and take notes at church. Watching the other kids serve and attend functions at church while inviting friends are things that I treasure.

Where does time go? It just seemed like yesterday Abigail was a baby. Didn’t she just graduate high school, and yet here she is a few months away from graduating college. She is a treasure!

I’m super excited that Grace will be coming home for a week. God knew that I would love having her around during my first week of treatment. It will be nice to have her around for a week and I know she will be an encouragement to her sisters as well. She’s in her element serving Jesus with Life Action. I love hearing all the God is doing in her life. 

I’ve still been working on the kid’s memory books. I have lots of pictures to sort through. I still have 7 years worth for the older girls. It’s been fun finding some gems and remembering so many good times with the kids. Time is a weird concept: so many of these pictures felt like yesterday, and yet it has been years. Crazy! 

In this season, there have also been difficult times. We had to miss the wedding of a young girl we have known for 15 years. I have also missed out on field trips with the kids and other fun events due to needing to rest after surgery. I'm sure I will miss out of more in the next few months, but I have to remember to just make the best of everything, both the good days and the hard days. God has this and He keeps reminding me that He is holding me and walking with me through this. There are also moments of where He is reminding me to trust Him with my future. He knows the future and I can trust Him, whether He decides to heal me here on earth or in heaven. My job is to trust Him, do my part with the treatment, and stay as positive as I can...He is able and trustworthy!

Prayer Requests:

- Strength for Wayne as he continues to do PT.

- Please pray for my treatment tomorrow: little to no side effects, peace as I sit alone receiving treatment, and that I will be able to keep my hydration and nutrition over the course of treatment. 

- Safety for Grace as she travels home and that we have a great time together.

- The kids to have grace and peace as we enter an unknown time and space in our lives.

Update 10/12/23: Difficult Days

Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Today has been a difficult day. First of all, the reality of my appointment yesterday with the oncologist hit me hard. When I returned home from taking the kids to counseling and CAP, I found out Wayne had another seizure while we were gone. I had left him resting safely in bed since chemo knocks him out. I literally fell apart when I heard he had another seizure. That makes 4 seizures in 5 days. It all worked out and he is okay, but the sucky reality we are living just hit me all at once. How in the world are two parents supposed to both survive chemo treatments while caring for their family? So many questions and emotions hit me at once and I just broke down. 

Although I felt relief being able to express some pent up emotions, I literally could hardly breathe. I love Wayne so much because he grabbed my hands and said, “Let’s pray!” I don’t know how to convey how much of a change that made in the moment. God invites us to boldly come before Him and talk to Him. Through tears, I was able to ask God to give us His yoke, which is He tells us is easier, because we cannot do this on our own…it is too heavy for us to bear and I am completely broken. God needs to carry us because today revealed some days we can hardly walk under the full burden of these trials. 

Yesterday, I met my oncologist with Wayne and my sister, Sarah. Dr. Cottrill told us everything we needed to know about what is coming up. I felt like I was in front of a fire hydrant of information. The plan is for me to do 4 chemo treatments every three weeks. I am still waiting to hear on the official start date, but it looks like I will be starting chemo either 10/20 or 10/27. I will be receiving two chemo drugs and immunotherapy. From the sounds of it, I will be at the hospital for a whole day (1 hour for one chemo, 3 hours for the other chemo, 2 hours for immunotherapy, plus the pre-medicine to help with symptoms). After chemo treatments, I will have 5-6 weeks of radiation. I meet the radiation doctor on Wednesday and then I have “chemo education” on Thursday. After radiation, we have a backup plan to possibly continue immunotherapy for up to 3 years!

On top of all this fun stuff coming up, I have a colonoscopy on Monday. I was due on a few months for one, but given my potential genetic issue, they want to check out my colon since endometrial and colon cancer are common. Once again, the sum of all these things going on just is overwhelming.

Last night I had to drop three of the kids off at church since Naomi was already there. It was just supposed to be a quick drop off, but I found myself drawn into the sanctuary for the weekly prayer meeting. I believe the Holy Spirit led me there to encourage my heart. When you are wallowing in your own issues, it’s a great reminder that others are going through difficult times too. Praying over the people in Israel was a humbling time. They are enduring terrible atrocities and it was a great attitude adjustment.

Wayne completed day three of chemo tonight. He is once again feeling it pretty bad. Our main concern right now are these seizures. Last time the seizures started, it showed tumor growth. We are praying it’s just the side effects of chem.

Life just feels so overwhelming. Do you know how hard it is to hear your baby express that she’s terrified of being an orphan? It is heartbreaking and it all just feels like too much. 

Joella has an online support group that she joins on Monday nights through IOH. Such a gift to her, especially right now.

Joella is our biggest cuddle bug. She loves spending time with both of us!🩷

My first Sunday back in church after surgery. There is nothing like being in church in person.

I love my CAP cadets (Shan ran off before I could take a picture of him).

Prayer Requests:

- Wisdom for Wayne’s doctors to figure out the seizure issue and for strength to endure the last two days of treatment.

- My colonoscopy (clear test), for strength to face chemo and little/no side effects (I know God is big enough to handle this on my behalf, so pray big with me that I make it through these treatments with little/no side effects), and peace as I try to prepare for the months of treatments ahead of me.

- For our kids who are enduring so much. I know some of their ADD/ADHD symptoms are really just their way of handling all that is going on, but it’s impacting their ability to do school.

- Naomi and Abigail as they serve families at Inheritance of Hope this weekend.