Harder Family

Harder Family

Friday, August 11, 2023

Update 8/11/23: Too Much to Handle?

Psalm 56:3-4 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise - in God I trust and am not afraid..."

Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

Our lives were turned upside down 2/11/15 when Wayne had a grand mal seizure that revealed a lemon size tumor in Wayne's brain. It was also tossed when Wayne's brain cancer decided to show up again earlier this year (2023). 

I had to post a happy picture from our trip because today has been hard

Once again, out of the blue, our lives have been turned upside down. Today at 3:30pm, I received a call from my doctor regarding the routine uterine biopsy I had on Tuesday. Unfortunately, they found cancerous cells in my biopsy. I am disappointed by the results and frustrated that they didn't just wait until Monday to let me know the results, since nothing else can be done or discussed until at least Monday when the office opens again. So, I am left to my own thoughts and fears over the weekend. Well, that is where my brain wants to drag me and I have to keep surrendering it to the Lord.

From a human perspective, I feel like this is just all too much for me to handle. How can I be a caretaker AND a patient? My mind is spinning and feels out of control. I have been taking good care of myself (eating well, exercising, trying to keep my stress levels down) because I knew it was important with all that Wayne was going through. That is one of the reasons I went to the doctor so quickly a few months ago and then again a few weeks ago. My doctors know that I want to stay on top of everything because of the unique situation that we face with Wayne. How did this so quickly change?

The hardest part was figuring out how to tell the kids. I was in the kitchen cleaning when I got the call and they saw me start to cry. I wasn't sure how to talk to them, so I hid in my room for awhile. I called our family counselor, who I had just seen yesterday with Joella. I asked her for advice, since she knows how fragile a few of our kids are with Wayne's health. Unfortunately, I was not able to follow her advice all the way since my kids kept hounding me and had already come to their own conclusions because they knew I had the biopsy earlier this week. We finally decided to let them know that they had found some bad cells in my biopsy and I need to follow up with doctors next week to find out what needs to be done. Many have solved it on their own and know what we were saying, without saying it. So far, they seem to be doing okay. Most of them are handling it by joking that both parents have cancer. It's not a joke, but I know that is how they are processing it. As a parent, it is hard to balance being honest with them, but not also causing further trauma. Our kids have had to endure many difficult discussions over the years about hard topics most adults can't even handle.

In the midst of all of this hard news, Wayne came down with a slight fever this evening, which will most likely delay his chemo. He was supposed to start chemo tomorrow night. If he has a fever tomorrow, we will wait a day or two to start his chemo. I don't know if he caught something that is going around, but I sent him to bed to get some sleep. I'm praying that he feels better in the morning and that no one else gets sick. Unfortunately, this development meant that I had to cancel my trip with the women from church to see Lisa Harper tomorrow. 

I know God has a reason for everything, but I was looking forward to worshiping with other ladies. For me, when life is hard, worship is the way I can express how I feel to the Lord. Since I can't attend, I decided to have my own worship service tomorrow in my basement as I workout. I figure a hard workout with some blaring worship music will help me break through the wall I have up right now. Why is it so easy to shut down and try to stuff emotions? Maybe it's just me? I felt myself shutting down as the kids watched me in the kitchen. I wanted to stay strong for them and not break...but I know the breaking is coming. I can't be strong forever and for everyone, and I'm not meant to. I am so thankful that God walks along side me and when it starts feeling like too much, He's right there to pick me up and carry me. He wants to do that all the time, but I fight Him and want to do some of this on my own. Too many times I am like a young toddler who fights their parents to walk on their own on a difficult path, only to fall down and get hurt. Then the child (me) is more than willing for their parent to pick them up and carry them. Why don't I just allow Him to carry me from the beginning?

Over the past 8 hours, I keep reminding myself that Heaven Rules! God is good, despite all this hard. He has a plan and a purpose for all of our pain. I think He even prepares us before some trials come our way. A few weeks ago after we returned from Chicago, I remember standing in my bathroom after receiving news that a young lady I discipled had stage 3 breast cancer, and I thought to myself, how would I handle a diagnosis like that? I asked God that I would be able to handle it with grace and faith like Wayne and this young lady. I then jokingly thought, watch, just like Job, satan will ask permission to sift my health too since we still praise God through all of this hard. I had no clue that a few weeks later, I would receive a call where I would hear the dreaded "C" word. 

After the initial shock wore off from the news, I told God that I want this trial and hard time in my life to somehow point others to Him. I know that there are people who read our blog who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus. It has always been our prayer that through our lives, Jesus would be evident and shine brightly. I told Jesus that this was a chance to shine bright because there are going to be many people who don't understand why - why would God allow two parents to get cancer? Why would God allow so much hard and bad in their lives? I don't have the answers and to be honest, I have already wondered some of that myself. How much is too much God? 

All I can tell you is that God is good despite how bad things look right now. Jesus has done so much in my life, and in Wayne's life. I know that I can trust Him, even though I don't understand this and I don't want this trial. It all goes back to the book I just read "Heaven Rules". God is sovereign and He has a plan. My role is to trust Him and to point others to Him. I may not see the work He is doing or the story He is weaving, but I will trust the Creator to hold me in His hands and walk with me each step of this difficult journey. 

I know I have referred to this poem a lot on my blog and in person, but it rings so much more true to me today. 

Corrie ten Boom "Life is But a Weaving"

My life is but a weaving

Between my God and me.

I cannot choose the colors

He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;

And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

And I the underside.

Not ’til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas

And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares;

Nothing this truth can dim.

He gives the very best to those

Who leave the choice to Him.

Many times we only see the picture on the left. This is our view of our lives here on earth. It looks messy and we can't understand what is going on. But God is weaving together a beautiful picture that sometimes can only be seen from His heavenly perspective.

Normally, I try to post some fun family photos from the week, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. I will update early next week once we hear anything about me and I will also update everyone when Wayne starts chemo and how he does.

Prayer Requests:

- Wayne: please pray that he wakes up without a fever and that he feels better tomorrow so he can start his chemo. Please also pray that he starts to regain some strength in his right side.

- Rebecca: please pray that the doctors come up with an effective and quick plan to resolve this issue for me. Please pray that the cancer cells are just in the uterus and that we caught it early. Pray for me to leave all of this in Jesus' hands and not to overthink or read google this weekend.

- Kids: Please pray for the kids as they are juggling so much with their parents. They have many fears and concerns. They are trusting God through this too, but they are still human and have some legitimate fears.

- Pray for those who visit this blog who do not have a personal relationship of Jesus to encounter Him on this page and have a relationship with Him, since we know that is the most important decision any of us could make here during this short life on earth.

I cannot begin to thank all of our faithful prayer warriors over the years. So many people that God has weaved into our lives and story. I am thankful for each one of you.



No comments:

Post a Comment