Psalm 56:3-4 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise - in God I trust and am not afraid..."
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
Our lives were turned upside down 2/11/15 when Wayne had a grand mal seizure that revealed a lemon size tumor in Wayne's brain. It was also tossed when Wayne's brain cancer decided to show up again earlier this year (2023).
From a human perspective, I feel like this is just all too much for me to handle. How can I be a caretaker AND a patient? My mind is spinning and feels out of control. I have been taking good care of myself (eating well, exercising, trying to keep my stress levels down) because I knew it was important with all that Wayne was going through. That is one of the reasons I went to the doctor so quickly a few months ago and then again a few weeks ago. My doctors know that I want to stay on top of everything because of the unique situation that we face with Wayne. How did this so quickly change?
The hardest part was figuring out how to tell the kids. I was in the kitchen cleaning when I got the call and they saw me start to cry. I wasn't sure how to talk to them, so I hid in my room for awhile. I called our family counselor, who I had just seen yesterday with Joella. I asked her for advice, since she knows how fragile a few of our kids are with Wayne's health. Unfortunately, I was not able to follow her advice all the way since my kids kept hounding me and had already come to their own conclusions because they knew I had the biopsy earlier this week. We finally decided to let them know that they had found some bad cells in my biopsy and I need to follow up with doctors next week to find out what needs to be done. Many have solved it on their own and know what we were saying, without saying it. So far, they seem to be doing okay. Most of them are handling it by joking that both parents have cancer. It's not a joke, but I know that is how they are processing it. As a parent, it is hard to balance being honest with them, but not also causing further trauma. Our kids have had to endure many difficult discussions over the years about hard topics most adults can't even handle.
In the midst of all of this hard news, Wayne came down with a slight fever this evening, which will most likely delay his chemo. He was supposed to start chemo tomorrow night. If he has a fever tomorrow, we will wait a day or two to start his chemo. I don't know if he caught something that is going around, but I sent him to bed to get some sleep. I'm praying that he feels better in the morning and that no one else gets sick. Unfortunately, this development meant that I had to cancel my trip with the women from church to see Lisa Harper tomorrow.
I know God has a reason for everything, but I was looking forward to worshiping with other ladies. For me, when life is hard, worship is the way I can express how I feel to the Lord. Since I can't attend, I decided to have my own worship service tomorrow in my basement as I workout. I figure a hard workout with some blaring worship music will help me break through the wall I have up right now. Why is it so easy to shut down and try to stuff emotions? Maybe it's just me? I felt myself shutting down as the kids watched me in the kitchen. I wanted to stay strong for them and not break...but I know the breaking is coming. I can't be strong forever and for everyone, and I'm not meant to. I am so thankful that God walks along side me and when it starts feeling like too much, He's right there to pick me up and carry me. He wants to do that all the time, but I fight Him and want to do some of this on my own. Too many times I am like a young toddler who fights their parents to walk on their own on a difficult path, only to fall down and get hurt. Then the child (me) is more than willing for their parent to pick them up and carry them. Why don't I just allow Him to carry me from the beginning?
Over the past 8 hours, I keep reminding myself that Heaven Rules! God is good, despite all this hard. He has a plan and a purpose for all of our pain. I think He even prepares us before some trials come our way. A few weeks ago after we returned from Chicago, I remember standing in my bathroom after receiving news that a young lady I discipled had stage 3 breast cancer, and I thought to myself, how would I handle a diagnosis like that? I asked God that I would be able to handle it with grace and faith like Wayne and this young lady. I then jokingly thought, watch, just like Job, satan will ask permission to sift my health too since we still praise God through all of this hard. I had no clue that a few weeks later, I would receive a call where I would hear the dreaded "C" word.
After the initial shock wore off from the news, I told God that I want this trial and hard time in my life to somehow point others to Him. I know that there are people who read our blog who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus. It has always been our prayer that through our lives, Jesus would be evident and shine brightly. I told Jesus that this was a chance to shine bright because there are going to be many people who don't understand why - why would God allow two parents to get cancer? Why would God allow so much hard and bad in their lives? I don't have the answers and to be honest, I have already wondered some of that myself. How much is too much God?
All I can tell you is that God is good despite how bad things look right now. Jesus has done so much in my life, and in Wayne's life. I know that I can trust Him, even though I don't understand this and I don't want this trial. It all goes back to the book I just read "Heaven Rules". God is sovereign and He has a plan. My role is to trust Him and to point others to Him. I may not see the work He is doing or the story He is weaving, but I will trust the Creator to hold me in His hands and walk with me each step of this difficult journey.
I know I have referred to this poem a lot on my blog and in person, but it rings so much more true to me today.
Corrie ten Boom "Life is But a Weaving"
My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned
He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.
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