Update 11/11/23: Crushed

2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18 “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed…Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Hard pressed, but not crushed. Yesterday tested that part of the verse. I felt very crushed for a hot minute, but I will keep trusting God and not lose heart.

While I was receiving my second round of chemo and immunotherapy, Wayne was up in Chicago having an MRI. Around 11, I received a call from Wayne about his MRI. Unfortunately, we received the dreaded news that no one wants to hear. “There are no more options.” There are no more options for killing the cancer. Wayne was given two options: 1) palliative care or 2) avastin, which we know is the last ditch effort to keep things stable, but doesn’t cure anything. 

When the words came through the phone, I once again felt like I was living a nightmare. Here I am having poison poured into my body to kill my own cancer and my best friend was told there is nothing else to do. But once again, nothing surprises God. Of all the nurses I could be assigned yesterday, my nurse had lost her father to GBM. So when she saw me crying and came to check on me, she totally understood the gravity of the news we received. It may have only been my 2nd infusion at Baptist Hospital, but they have won me over. Becky, my previous nurse, came over and checked on me a few times throughout the day. When I told her about Wayne, she cried too. Who knew that people can so quickly become like family?  

My friend Liz took me to my infusion. She’s the best and I just love her!!

I survived freezing my hands and feet during my 3 hour chemo infusion. We are hoping that it will help decrease the nerve damage this drug can cause. I saw another patient with this amazing neck device that holds your phone. Next time I will use that so I can watch a movie while my hands are tied up on ice. 

Nurse Amy, my superstar today!

My friend Shawn came and picked me up from my infusion. We haven’t known each other long, but she is one special friend!!

My friend Terri and her daughter Meghan, who is like my daughter, stopped by to say hi after an Asbury visit. 🩷

My friend Dawn made me homemade sourdough bread since she knows it’s one of the things that my body can handle with chemo.

My mom made me an amazing mineral bone broth from my cancer cookbook. It’s one way I can keep my nutrients up during treatment.

So what is next for Wayne, he will need avastin infusions every two weeks, as long as he can handle them. We are requesting his treatments be handled by Baptist. I know he is in good hands there with all the amazing nurses (Becky, Amy, and Amanda).

The hardest moment of all of this was breaking the news to our kids this morning. I had to call Abigail and Grace over the phone. My heart broke that I couldn’t hug them while delivering this devastating news. We all had some good cries, but I know there will be more to come as we all process this. I already reached out to our counselor to see if we can squeeze in some sessions for everyone. 

I am so thankful that my kids will be home next week. It will be wonderful to have everyone home for Thanksgiving. Well, everyone but DJ. Wayne is going to visit DJ on Friday and then will pick up Grace from Elizabethtown. With all that is going on, we have had to get creative to find time to visit DJ. Grace told us that her team is stopping in Elizabethtown before going on to Michigan. So God made a way for us to get time to see DJ and pick up Grace!

DJ at his residential home. He was treated to dumplings for his 18th birthday.

Wayne and I are both going through chemo at the same time. Wayne started his 5 day oral chemo last night. God has been gracious to me this time. I have been feeling a million times better this time around. I’m glad I don’t feel as bad physically as last time with all this heavy news about Wayne, which is stretching me emotionally. 

Two laid up chemo patients.

We will be making as many memories with our family the next few months as we can. We will be even more intentional with all the time God gives us. This song came on during my infusion, after Wayne’s phone call to me. It spoke so deeply to me. 

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able

I know You can

Prayer Requests:

- Wayne: for the infusions to help Wayne and give us as many days as God wants us to have. That he continues to have peace and trust God with both his life and his death.

- For our kids as they process all this hard stuff. That they would lean in hard to Jesus and trust Him each day, even though this is so much and seems unfair.

- That I would continue to feel good with my side effects and that the chemo would do the job to kill this cancer and give me many days with my family. 

- We would use all of this hard to point people to Jesus and share the good news of the hope we have in Him. That our light would shine brightly!