Psalm 143:8 “Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Show me the way I should go, for to You I entrust my life.”
Sometimes in life, I am a slow learner. I don’t know how many times God has to remind me that He is in control and that I can trust Him. Lurking in the back of my mind the past week has been fear of not having the right insurance before heading into a big surgery and the unknown surrounding that whole situation. Have you ever thought you were giving something to the Lord, only to realize that it was weighing you down because you refused to completely let go? It reminds me of when you would try to pry something dangerous out of a child’s hands. You hold on and slowly remove one finger at a time until they finally let go. Too many times I’m like that toddler holding on to something because I want it or feel like somehow I can control it, when God is just trying to save me from something dangerous, which could include saving me from myself.
Today I visited the local state office to discuss my case with the them. I explained our situation and finalized my application for state insurance. As I sat there, I just kept praying and asking God to intervene. I knew He could, I just didn’t know if He would. Well, I have a huge praise. I qualified for state insurance! I will have medical assistance to offset my junky “insurance”. In that moment, I felt God reminding me that He sees me and He knows what I need.
You see, I was already coming up with my own earthly plan to figure this out. I’d get surgery and recover, and then I’d go back to work so that I could have insurance. I didn’t know what I’d do with Wayne, but I had this whole scenario laid out. Instead, God had something better and beyond anything I could connive. I am now able to stay home and be Wayne’s caregiver while also having insurance!
This reassurance that God gave me this afternoon was perfect timing. It’s like He knows what is coming and knows that I’ll need that extra assurance that He’s got this and I can trust Him.
See, later this afternoon, I walked into my room and found Wayne on the ground. He had gone to pick something up, lost his balance, and fell. He had a really hard time getting up off the floor, mainly due to the right hand weakness and tremors he experiences. And then this evening, while I took the girls to Walmart for a scavenger hunt for Sophia’s birthday, Wayne went to walk our dog. He fell on the walk and scrapped up his leg pretty good. These falls and other symptoms we are seeing are concerning us. If I’m completely honest, I’m terrified of the future right now. Wayne seems to be getting weaker and not stronger. In these moments, it’s hard to not let fear take over. I just keep reminding myself of all God has done and that I can trust Him. But I’m also human, so the struggle is real to balance faith and trust over fears.
Every day seems to throw something new at us, but we keep moving forward. We found out one of our friends with brain cancer had a recurrence this week too. It’s very disheartening to hear all this hard news.
But in the midst of the hard, we try to make the most of each day and keep having fun with the kids. Tonight Sophia had 12 girls over for a sleepover to celebrate her 16th birthday, which is in a few days. One thing I love about Sophia is that she just drums to her own beat. Months ago she saw dinosaur decorations at Dollar Tree and declared that would be the theme of her big 16th party bash. She kept true to her word and that was the theme.
Sophia’s lifelong best friend flew in from Chicago, so we had the party on the holiday weekend so she could attend. It was CRAZY at our house tonight. We also went to Walmart for a scavenger hunt. So anyone in Winchester, if you heard or saw a bunch of crazy girls, it was probably our group.
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