Harder Family

Harder Family

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

Update 10/24/23: Chemo Day 5

Psalm 61:1-4 “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I, for You have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of Your wings!”

I.do.not.know how people do chemo without Jesus. Jesus has been my anchor the last 48 hours, which have been some of the worst hours of my life. The pain in my joints and muscles took my breath away. Sleep was the way I could temporarily make the pain “disappear”. Thankfully, this morning I woke up with less pain, but now I’m battling nausea and dizziness/lightheaded. It’s a good thing I never had nausea with my pregnancies because I wouldn’t have six daughters! Foods I should be eating make me nauseous at just the thought of them. Ginger chews have been my best friend today. 

The hardest part is watching my kids see me go through this. It’s hard enough when one parent is going through cancer, but doubly hard when both parents are enduring chemo treatments. I try to be real around them, but at the same time, I try to shelter them from the full reality of how much pain I am in. Wayne told me that he’s glad he isn’t on my chemo since he mainly just experiences fatigue. This two chemo and immunotherapy is so much on my body. I think my body is rebelling to all this foreign chemicals. I try to stay away from medicine and now I’m bombarding my body with it. 

There are moments of panic when I think about having to do this 3 more times. In those moments I have to remind myself that I can’t worry about tomorrow, or even an hour from now. I have to just allow God to sustain me one moment at a time. 

Distraction is the best thing for making it through the day. I feel bad that I just want to wish these days away and move on with my life. Chemo warriors have my deepest respect. I always knew chemo was hard, but there is no way to prepare yourself for how awful it is.

The kids are doing a great job finding ways to make things more bearable. Micaela rubbed my feet yesterday, Sophia made me mashed potatoes, and Grace played around with my hair today. I gave them permission to do some fun stuff with my hair during this week of losing my hair, which has already started. They have some fun plans in store to try on me. They are having fun with Sophia’s hair too since she told me she will go bald with me. 

Sophia refused a good picture of her serving me, so enjoy these candid shots.

I received a box from Phil’s Friends that was covered with encouraging verses and song lyrics. My friend Paula knew what would speak to my heart!

Please pray with me that my side effects would lesson and I can be present with my kids. The road ahead seems do long and daunting. Please pray for strength and endurance as I run this race.

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