Harder Family

Harder Family

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Hope Continually

Psalm 71:14 "But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more."

Psalm 119:114 "You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word."

Psalm 43:5 "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."

Hope is defined as a feeling of trust, a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Biblical hope is defined as "confident expectation". Today I am placing all of my hope in who God is, I have nothing else to cling to at this time. 

Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. Wayne and I met this morning with the neurosurgeon to get the 52 staples removed and to review the pathology report. The good news is that the wound has healed wonderfully and the staples came out easily. The bad news is that the pathology report shows that the tumor is not a grade 3 tumor, but a grade 4 glioma. We didn't receive the report this time from the nurse, so I don't have the "official" name. We later met with the neuro-oncologist, who handles the chemo side of treatment. He gave us paperwork about clinical trials in which Wayne qualifies to participate. On the paperwork is says, "newly diagnosed glioblastoma with MGMT promoter hypermethylation". We are assuming based on this information that Wayne has a grade four glioblastoma tumor. We have another appointment Monday morning to meet with the radiation neuro-oncologist and follow up with the chemo neuro-oncologist to get treatment going. If everything goes as planned, Wayne will start his treatment the following week.

Although we know that the Great Physician, Jehovah Rapha, has Wayne in His hands, we still have experienced a whole myriad of emotions today. I don't think my eyes were dry for over an hour after hearing the news. For any of my family members worried about me not "emoting" enough, I have made up for it today. I came home and took a nap with Wayne, and cried myself to sleep. I told Wayne before I fell asleep that I don't want to do life without him. It's not fair that I may have to raise our sweet little girls by myself. I know that God will get me through, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts to consider that Wayne may not be here. As I've been crying or questioning "why", I keep hearing God's small voice reminding me that He is enough. 

A sweet friend of mine sent me an email about how their family got through a very hard time in their life. My friend's mother'n'law is Nancy Writebol, the missionary that was brought over to the United States with Ebola so she could be treated. She said that her mother'n'law told her, "You know Steph, my whole life I have wondered if someone asked me If Jesus was enough - would I have the right answer - I wanted to hope I would have the right answer but I was not always sure.  When they put me on the plane to leave, I heard them say I might not make it back alive to the US.  I knew I was leaving my home where my possessions would all be burned because of the Ebola. I was saying goodbye to David and not knowing if I would ever see him again this side of heaven. I was not sure I would make it here to see you all ever again this side of heaven. I realized I literally didn't even own my own clothes any more - I had nothing - - and all was stripped away. Steph, I had to cry out on that plane over and over - Jesus - I have nothing else - you have to be enough. You have to be enough.  And you know what Steph, no matter what happens to me, I know He is enough - - always, always remember - He is enough." 

That is the hope that I'm clinging too, God is enough! He will give me the strength I need to get through each day. One step at a time, one day at a time. Even though the waves today were huge and felt like they were swallowing me up, I saw my sweet Savior reaching out to me telling me to trust Him. Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” 

Through this whole process, Wayne and I have wanted to be completely open and honest with the girls. We don't want things to take them by surprise and figure that it is healthy to work through these together as a family. Today was a very hard day to be honest. Although we cling to the hope that God can still heal Wayne, there is also the brutal reality that comes with this diagnosis. Dinner time was filled with tears as we all processed the news that we shared. One of the hardest to watch tonight was Grace, who doesn't like to "emote". She was openly crying and left the table after dinner and went upstairs. I followed her to make sure that she was okay. This is what she said to me, "Mama, I'm only 10 and I've only had my Papa 10 years. I'm having a hard time seeing God's purpose in this. It has shown me though how much pain others are going through that have lost or are losing someone to cancer. There are so many people with cancer. I never knew what they were experiencing." I told Grace, "Can you imagine going through this without Jesus? Maybe God is allowing this to happen so that we can have compassion for those people going through this but without Jesus so we can point them to Him." Grace responded, "Yes, maybe that is why, but it still doesn't make it easy." No, Grace, it doesn't. Grace has always amazed me by her depth, but I really saw it pour out of her tonight as she struggles to balance knowing God is good and has a perfect plan, and also knowing there is a good chance her dad may die. 

This leads me to one of my favorite hymns, I actually have quite a few, but this one is ringing loud for me tonight. "It Is Well With My Soul". I love this version because it tells the story of the man who wrote this beloved hymn. Take a minute and enjoy this beautiful story of how God is enough and the source of our hope. Please keep us all in your prayers as we enter this next stage in our journey and that we would lean completely on Him!


1 comment:

  1. According to the nih longer survival times are associated with patients with mgmt promoter methylation.