Monday, March 30, 2015

One Day At A Time

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Four days have passed since we received the news from our doctors about Wayne's tumor. There have been a whole myriad of emotions experienced during this time. At times it has seemed overwhelming. Between the information about the tumor, treatments, alternative supplements, it has just been mind boggling. I just want to turn back time to February 11th when I kissed Wayne good-bye for the day. I want to pretend none of this has happened, that it has just been one bad nightmare. How does one process all of this and get through it all? A day at a time leaning on the Lord has become our theme. Even the girls will ask us questions and I tell them, "I don't know. I'm taking it one day at a time." To think too far ahead becomes overwhelming and daunting. God keeps quietly reminding me to turn to Him. I love Matthew 11:28-30. I am already weary and burdened by this whole scenario. He promises me rest and that He'll carry this burden for me. I have been wrestling with this night and day. To let go and trust means that I have to surrender my husband and all the possibilities to Him. That is hard. I'm a doer and a planner. I don't like to rest and wait. Wayne woke up this morning and told me that he is at complete peace with whatever the outcome. I can honestly say that I'm not there yet. I'm still wrestling and struggling to completely let go and trust God. I believe He is who He says He is, I know that He is good and that He has a perfect plan, and yet I can't see through all this darkness to see where He is leading. I'm clinging to Him, but I feel like I have one hand on Him and one hand trying at times to let go and reach for anything else that may help. Why can't I just let go and trust 100%? I have seen before how God works and moves. I know that He'll provide exactly what I need when I need it, but it is so hard to let go. 

Our meeting Thursday with our oncologist left me reeling. I was hoping that meeting with him might give us some direction and answers. Instead, we were given information about trials and told to ask him questions. That was one of the most frustrating doctor appointments I'd ever been in. I didn't know what to ask, we had just heard that Wayne had glioblastoma (GBM). The only thing I knew about the cancer is that a man at our old church in California had just died from it, a mom of a friend from Moody has been battling it, and that Brittany Maynard had taken her life when she was diagnosed with it. What are we supposed to ask? Isn't that their job to help us out and tell us what we need to know? The meeting left us wondering what is next, what do we do? 

God provided that answer Friday morning. Our friend Laurie from Moody called me early Friday morning to tell me that there is hope. God used that call to help me move from weeping to joy. Psalm 30:5 "Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." God used her phone call to get my mind right. We are going to do all that we can to fight this, while completely trusting God.

What a blessing Laurie has been. Her knowledge of medical terms and pathology has been a God send. God has truly been using her in my life to help me wade through this overwhelming ordeal. She armed me with information and questions for the oncologist. She also pointed me in the direction of doing some research on the top hospitals for treating GBM. I was reading through the list (Duke, Mayo, UCSF, UCLA, Anderson, etc). About an hour after reading through the list, another friend called. Without knowing what I had been researching, she asked me if I had considered taking Wayne to the Mayo Clinic up in Minnesota. I told her I had just been reading about them, as they are one of the hospitals that specialize in this cancer. She offered to call and do the footwork for me about getting in to see a doctor. She called me back with all the information I needed to make an appointment. I called Mayo and have scheduled an appointment for April 16th. Here is where some of my anxiety has set in. We don't want Wayne to wait to start treatment until we go up there, especially after watching the 60 Minute special last night and finding out that this tumor can double in size every two weeks. We are already three weeks out since surgery. My worry though is that we won't be able to keep our appointment if they can't do his radiation/chemo up there since we started it at Northwestern (at least that is the plan). I know that God can work all these details out, but that is where my wrestling is coming in. At what point do I completely let go and let God work out the details? Or does He want me to be involved like this to work some of these things out? God continues to remind me that He has been working all of this out. It wasn't a coincidence that Laurie has a background and experience in this area to help us out. It wasn't a coincidence that my friend called and was able to get us information on Mayo. None of it is a coincidence. I know God is involved and cares deeply. I just need to completely depend on Him and wait for Him to lead us.

Please be praying for us this morning as we meet with the Northwestern team of chemo and radiation oncologists. Pray that we are able to communicate what we would like to do clearly and that God will open doors we didn't even see possible. Also pray that I continue to just surrender everything and every detail to God and rest completely on Him. He promises that His burden is light and that He will give me rest. I need rest and I need His strength to make it through this difficult journey. 


  1. Praying rest and peace and healing.

  2. Thinking of you...praying for you constantly. I have called a couple of times. I will check the number and try tomorrow. These are big decisions. May God give you a sense of direction.